Taking the blame is one of the things that we parents do best–we tend to feel like it is our fault when our children get sick, act out, get their feelings hurt, or any myriad realities of the growing up years. I think that beating ourselves up for all the things that affect our children is one of the primary occupations of the typical parent. I think it is important, however, to stop and ask ourselves–is this really my fault? And, how much of this is my fault?
Recently, I was talking with a friend of mine who has a grown-up son. We were talking about personality traits and challenges and she made a startling declaration: “I am not going to take the full blame for everything with him! I finally learned that while some of it may be my fault, I did my best and I did not have so much power to have created all of his issues out of thin air.” I thought this was a marvelous and healthy thing to say. Sure, we parents are flawed human beings and we make mistakes. We might even be the cause of some of our children’s challenging behaviors but she is right, we ARE many of us doing the best we can and we are not entirely to blame for anything.
This does not abdicate or excuse our taking responsibility but when I think back to things that I felt incredibly guilty for when in fact I couldn’t control them at all–illnesses, head lice, learning problems, etc.–I can see that my work as a parent is not so much about taking the blame but in trying to help my children cope, adjust, recover and learn from the realities that happen in our lives. Blaming myself or letting someone else blame me does not do any good at all.
Also: Parenting Mistake: Taking Things Personally
More Positive Thoughts for your Day