I became a parent in the 1990’s–the beginning of what I like to call the “positive parenting” movement. We were coached to refrain from using the word “no” and to give our children tons of positive strokes and encouragement. Since 1990, I only wish I had $1 for every time I heard “Good job!” I would be a wealthy, comfortable woman. But, over the years, I’ve wondered more than once if things hadn’t gotten a little out of hand. Couldn’t there be such a thing as too much praise?
I’ve never really been a results-oriented parent, so I tended to encourage effort and risk and stepping out of the comfort zone to try uncomfortable things and take on tasks that didn’t come easily. I was far more likely to say, “Good for you for trying something new” than to praise kids for a job well done. In my years of coaching youth sports, I was a bit of an anomaly–the kids were getting so much blind praise that I felt like I had to be the voice of reason. I was concerned that they would begin playing for the praise, or that it would lose it’s “punch”, so I was more likely to say something like, “Thanks for coming today, we like having you as part of the team!” It felt to me like it meant something specific, not just rote praising words.
I’ve now watched this whole generation of kids grow up and I do think there can be such a thing as too much praise–it does lose it’s meaning. Eventually, kids develop to where they know if they’re trying or not and when the praise comes no matter what, then what’s the point of even trying to do well? Too much blind praise affects kids’ self esteem negatively too–not to mention a general distrust in parental and adult feedback. The words absolutely become meaningless.
Not to mention, the world says “no.” The older kids get, the more they are forced to interact with a real world and that real world says “no” often, directly, and sometimes quite rudely. And that real world doesn’t tell them “good job” just for showing up. So, I think that common sense should guide us in treating our children with respect and encouragement, but not necessarily with an endless stream of positive praise. I believe in this case, there can be too much of a “Good Job“, I mean, good thing.