My husband is a pretty calm guy. But when things aren’t going well at work, he gets tense, and it carries through into all the other aspects of his life. He doesn’t seem able to leave work at work. He wakes up thinking about it, falls asleep thinking about it, and it pervades all we do.
Over the course of our marriage, I’ve asked him why this is. Perhaps this answer will vary from man to man, but here are the reasons he gave me:
1. Men are hierarchical. There’s someone higher up on the totem pole, there’s someone lower down on the totem pole, and men need to know where they fit in that ranking order. If things aren’t going well at work, they feel as though they are sliding down the pole. It affects their view of themselves as men.
2. Because men are traditionally the providers, when something happens at work that might endanger their ability to provide, it adds another layer of stress. They want to be able to “bring home the bacon.” Doing so makes them feel as though they are fulfilling their obligation to their family, and that’s very important to a man.
3. Oftentimes, when things aren’t going well at work, it’s because he’s made a mistake or it is perceived that he made a mistake. Because of the way men in our society are brought up, they feel ashamed when they are either caught in a mistake or have to admit to having made one. It’s not just a matter of, “I’ll try again and do better next time,” it’s a deeply rooted shame they experience.
If your husband feels this way about his job, there are some things you can do to help him.
A. Express to him your appreciation for the work he does and how grateful you are that he puts himself on the line every day for you.
B. Focus on doing the things that make him feel the most centered and happy when he’s at home. People who work outside the home look forward to coming home at the end of the day – make his time at home a recharge for him.
C. Talk with him supportively and listen as he shares his thoughts and feelings about his work situation. He will most likely want to solve his problems himself, but having you as a sounding board will mean a lot to him.
As with any other aspect of marriage, as the two of you face this challenge together and with the attitude of unity, you will find that you are each strengthened in the things you face and you can rely on each other for love and support.
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Being Sensitive to Your Spouse’s Needs