In our last article on this topic we looked at how Melissa, a 38-year-old successful businesswoman, was having difficulties finding a man who would commit to a long-term relationship to her. One of the potential partners, James, would not commit to Melissa and also had a series of standby girlfriends when Melissa’s schedule meant that she could not spend time with him. Simon, the second of her potential partners, was so laid back in his manner that she thought he would never commit to marriage either.
So how can Melissa break out of the cycle of loneliness and alienation? First, Melissa has to recognize that she is just as commitment phobic as the men in her life. While she continues to be solely absorbed with the shortcomings of her lovers, she is blinded to the reality of her own weakness. Melissa is a successful exponent of boardroom gamesmanship, yet in terms of male/female relationships, she is still in the emotional practice nets.
A look at Melissa’s past provides the key to her current difficulties. Having an emotionally distant father, Melissa never gained a sense of self-worth for herself as a girl and later, as a young woman. She now finds she has fallen into the common “sex = attention = love” equation. With a deep sense of inadequacy is a woman, Melissa essentially condones the behavior of her lovers. In fact, she actively chooses such men. There is no physical abuse in any of her relationships with males, but the abuse is one of emotional disrespect. And this, over time, is just as debilitating.
In Melissa’s case, she has a good, healthy sense of her own intellectual and employment capabilities. But it is in the area of personal relationships, and in particular with sexually attractive males, that Melissa’s radar is faulty. Apart from an emotionally-distant father, Melissa also experienced a lack of praise in her appearance and recognition of her emerging womanhood as she was growing up. She consequently is emotionally needy in that specific area.
Yet this is well hidden by her obvious skills in dealing with people as required by her job. Because of her upbringing and in particular her relationship with her father, she feels more comfortable with emotionally distant men. This is a very common behavioral pattern for women who grew up in households such as Melissa’s. Although they want to be loved, when they are actually given love and attention by an emotionally available male, it often feels so uncomfortable that women like Melissa will leave that man. Hence they are caught in a cycle of wanting love and closeness but being unable to accept it. Therefore, the majority of the men they actively seek are emotionally unavailable to him. Hence continues the cycle of desperation, low self-esteem and ultimately depression.
Melissa is unable to commit to a stable relationship herself because of a belief that she is somehow faulty and consequently classifies suitable, stable males as “boring”. In this example, it is really Melissa who must deal with the fact that she herself is the commitment phobic.
In coming articles, we will learn how Melissa deals with this problem.
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Is Your Man Really Commitment Phobic? (1)