I can get as frustrated as the next parent that my children will not just settle down and do what I want them to. After all, I just KNOW that I often know what is best for them and I am convinced that if they would just listen to me and change—they would be happier individuals. I could save them so much pain and suffering. Of course, I imagine that my own mother probably felt the same way and parents have been trying to steer and change their children forever. There must be a reason that we really cannot change them and that they have to go their own way. I cannot help but think that it is a good thing that I don’t have the power to change my children…
One of the earliest lessons of parenting is to fully realize that our child is not a doll, a robot, or a lump of clay that we can completely morph and change into what we want. They are their own individual people from the very beginning and growing up generally means that they just become more and more so. Sure, we can influence them, we can try to share our values and shape and teach them, and we can surely saddle them with plenty of dysfunction and baggage—but we cannot really CHANGE them. They are who they are and thank goodness!
I have to tell you that I could not have imagined how amazing and complicated and challenging my three children would turn out to be. I also know that had I been inventing them all those years ago, I might not have given them as much tenacity and creativity as they have because it has been a challenge and a half for me to cope with it as a parent! All that stubbornness and individuality and risk-taking that has been hard on me as a parent is serving them very well (and will continue to) in the “real world.” Thank goodness I couldn’t take that out of them!
There are so many ways that I would have changed my children over the years if I was truly pressed and given the power. Now, I can look at them and realize that my inability to change them at the core of who they are is a very good thing.