In every human relationship, a certain degree of secrecy must be maintained in order to stay in touch with your individuality. There is no one in the world who knows every single thing that has ever happened to you, and there may be certain memories that you simply don’t wish to disclose. However, in every relationship there must also be a significant degree of openness and honesty, especially in a bond as close and intense as the marriage union. Some memories that go undivulged truly are insignificant enough to stay in secret, but you must discern where to draw the line. Some hidden aspects of your past may be affecting your marriage in such a manner that your spouse deserves to be informed of them. Though it may be a daunting task, you must be fair to your mate and let him or her know the whole truth. In the end, it will be beneficial to you and your marriage.
Tell your husband or wife that you have something to discuss with him or her. Before you launch into your confession, remind your spouse how much you love him or her, and remind her that nothing can change that. After you have established this, tactfully and gently get your secret off your chest. Don’t be surprised if your spouse reacts angrily or begins to cry. This will be difficult to see, but it is to be expected. Reassure him or her that you have not changed, and that you decided to tell her this out of an interest to preserve your marriage.
Your spouse will most likely need time to absorb and adapt to the shock. Give your mate the space that he or she needs without judging him or her. Give him or her the respectful compassion that they deserve as your beloved spouse. Understand that your spouse still loves you, but needs time to come to terms with a possibly altered perception of you.
If you are on the receiving end of a long-kept secret, the most important thing to remember is that your husband or wife made the decision to be open with you because he or she respects and loves you. As painful as the realization can be, you should take comfort in the integrity and honest love that your spouse is showing to you.
Allow yourself time to accept the confession on your own terms, but resist the urge to judge your husband or wife out of selfish anger. You must also resist the urge to throw away years of good experiences and hard-earned trust over a long-gone mistake. Be grateful that your spouse trusts and loves you enough to expose what is probably a very painful secret out of an interest to save your relationship.
The ability to open up despite personal reasons that dictate the contrary shows a good deal of personal strength and integrity. Forgiveness is an amazingly powerful thing. Your spouse was honest and open; you should find it easier to be compassionate and accepting in return.