It’s hard to say we’re sorry to our kids. I’m not talking “I’m sorry I forgot to get the cereal or put the wrong juice in your lunch” apologies. No, I’m talking about major mistakes, hurtful things, disrespectful behavior and unfortunate life choices. It’s hard because admitting we might not be entirely in charge, or always feel like the adult, or know the right things to do feels like showing weakness and not “being the parent.”
It’s hard because it hurts. Most of us set out to be wonderful, perfect parents. We fall hopelessly in love with the tiny, amazing baby and then we settle in to our blissful family life. But babies start to grow into kids, and our lives change too–there may be illness, job changes, moves, divorce, financial trouble, loss and death–life just happens and parenting is tough stuff. Most of us who’ve been at this a while can admit to making some big blunders and massive mistakes. And even though we may have learned valuable lessons from our mistakes, we still cringe and wish we could take them back.
Our kids start to grow up and they gradually see us not as the all-powerful, “bestest Mom in the whole world,” but they start to notice our flaws, our humanness, our quirks (and I can assure you, they’re not too happy about our fall from grace either) and we may find ourselves trying even harder to hang on to some shred of heroic guise. We don’t want to lose that blind love and adoration. But, it’s morphing into something deeper and it’s time to get real.
A true, genuine, heartfelt and heart-wrenching apology is not a sign of weakness. It’s an expression of strength and devotion. Our kids deserve to hear and learn about apologizing, remorse and making amends. Apologizing is about seeing something all the way through and not sweeping icky things under the rug. Remember the story of the velveteen rabbit? Well, we start out as shiny new perfect parents–it is only through life’s trials and challenges and the everyday bumps, bruises and successes that we gradually turn into real people in our children’s eyes. Real people have flaws and make mistakes.
Learning to genuinely apologize to our kids is one of the toughest things many of us learn as parents. But, with it comes healing, and we can learn with our children about the forgiveness and respect that come with truly authentic, soulful relationships forged in the living.