It seems like in every family the parents are good cop/bad cop. Usually Mom is the softy while Dad sets down the rules and hands out discipline. When you become a single parent there is no one for you to work with, you have to be all things, all the time to your child.
For many mothers the hardest thing is now having to be a strong disciplinarian or authority figure. Usually Mom is the softy, the one who kisses everything better and is a safe place to land when the world is being cruel. Now you have to figure out how to put the two of those together.
When I was first divorced it was so hard for me to say no to Hailey, I gave in all the time but as she got a little older I knew the time had come for me to get stricter. In order for your kids to respect your decisions there has to be a mutual respect between the two of you. Being the parent and setting down some rules doesn’t mean that your word has to be law and there is no room for negotiation.
Make sure you talk with your children, not just to them, listen to what they have to say. Some things are not negotiable; a child cannot hit anyone, ever, or take something that isn’t theirs. Those types of things are not negotiable but about other things you should be willing to listen.
If you and your child are disagreeing over a rule ask for his opinion. Let him know that he can disagree with you, as long as it’s respectfully, and that you will always listen. I tried to let Hailey know that I valued her opinion and in cases where her arguments made sense and there was room to change, I did so, I think this helped her be more accepting when I refused to change a rule.
One of the easiest ways to set some rules and consequences is to do so with your child. If your child breaks a rule or is disrespectful, ask them what their punishment should be, many times it will be more than you would have given them so maybe if she says she thinks she should be grounded for two weeks and you think that is too much you can offer a compromise, one week of grounding and doing chores on the weekend.
Always explain the reason for the rule, no one ever wants to hear “Because I said so.” The explanations will change depending on their age but I think that by explaining to a child your reasoning and letting them tell you what they think, it opens the lines of communication now and in the future.
When Hailey first got her license her curfew was 10pm. One night she wanted to stay out later but it was a school night and I wasn’t comfortable with it so I said no. Hailey gave me her list of reasons why she should be allowed and I gave her my list why she had to be home by curfew. Finally, exasperated, she said “You don’t trust me.” I told her I trusted her completely but not other people. This made sense to her and we got to the heart of what she really wanted which was only a 30 minute deviation from curfew, which I gladly extended.
I think because we talked so much and I was willing to be flexible Hailey was willing to work things out instead of just breaking curfew and suffering the consequences. I think the negotiation and communication skills our children learn from arguing their case with us will help them for the rest of their lives. After all this negotiating I have to say, I think Hailey would be a great lawyer!