When I got divorced I didn’t know how to be single. I had never given myself the time to be single, even as a teenager. My identity had become engrossed in having someone else love me, and when that person was gone I suddenly didn’t know who I was anymore. At first I panicked. Within a few weeks of the split I was out rushing to find someone to fill the void so I could feel good about myself again. I dated and dated for months trying to alleviate some of the pain I was feeling. I was absolutely terrified of being alone.
After about eight months of this serial dating I realized that I was completely miserable. I couldn’t be happy with any of them, because I wasn’t happy with myself. I didn’t know who I was. I had been so beaten down in my marriage that I honestly didn’t know who I was or what I wanted anymore. For the first time in my life, I chose to be single. I set all of the men aside and decided to focus on who I was as a person. I had to look back and remember what I enjoyed before my marriage. I had to immerse myself in who I was. I had complete control. I could be who I wanted to be. I no longer had to try to mold myself into the woman I thought they wanted me to be. I learned to love myself again.
Now, months later I feel like I know who I am. I still long for the companionship I once had. I miss having someone to share in the joys and triumphs of parenthood. I still hope with all of my heart that I will have the family I’ve always dreamed of, but I’ve come to realize that being single isn’t so bad after all. In fact, some days I even kind of like it.