Do you know anyone whose marriage was arranged? I do. I have good friends who are Laotian. He saw her at the grocery store and saw that she was respectful to her parents, was kind and compassionate and decided that he wanted to marry her. So he had his father meet with her father and they agreed on a price to pay for the dowry. And voila–they were married. She of course, agreed to the union as well. It may surprise you to find out that all this happened in the United States and within the last ten years.
My friends, who I will call Jim and Jane (for I cannot spell their Laotian names), got married shortly before my husband and I did. Before I continue to write, I want to say that I am not at all advocating arranged marriages for our children. Their decision to marry this way was largely based on their own culture. However, I have watched Jim and Jane for quite awhile and I have decided there are a few things that can be learned from their relationship.
1. For better or for worse–you gave your word.
Divorce would not be an option–ever. I think too many people enter marriage casually and for the wrong reasons. In the back of their minds is the idea that they can get out of it, “if it doesn’t work out.” I remember when we got married and went through marriage counseling, the pastor who married us really encouraged us to think through the commitment we were making. I realize there are good reasons people get divorced and I cannot go into all of them here. . .that’s not my point. My point is that the depth of their commitment simply transcends their problems and causes them to actively seek solutions.
2. Love is a choice.
The longer I’m married the more I realize the truth of this statement. Watching Jim and Jane drives the point home for me even further. Love is what you choose to do for your partner regardless of what they do in return. Our culture really promotes the idea that it should be all about me. On the other hand, they simply chose who they would love and followed through. While it’s a simple concept–it’s not always simple to do.
3. You marry the family too!
Someone told me this before I got married and I didn’t get it. Jim and Jane expect that their family will be an integral part of their lives. In their culture, it is not unusual for one home to house several generations. With that in mind, not only did Jim consider his bride to be, but also he looked at her relationship with her parents as well as her family. It is important to look at the family dynamics of someone you are going to marry. While it may or may not make the decision for you–you can be assured that those family dynamics will affect your marriage either positively or negatively.
4. Input from others is important.
You’ve undoubtedly heard the expression that love is blind? That’s because it’s true. We are very hesitant to see the faults in those we love. On the other hand parents, siblings, and good friends are much more likely to see faults in our perspective spouses. I have heard so many people say that their parents were right about particular boyfriends, or friends but that they didn’t see it at the time. Arranged marriages are done so with considerable input from the family. I’ve already said that I don’t advocate arranging a marriage for my children, but we are teaching them that marriage is a family affair and that they should seek our blessing.
5. Passion is over rated.
Yes–you read that correctly. Don’t get me wrong–passion and intimacy is essential in a marriage. What’s over rated though is the idea that fire works go off every time you kiss! Jim and Jane have this idea that their marriage will take work and it’s the process of working together towards a mutual goal that helps ignite the passion and give their love more depth.
Like I said, I would not arrange marriages for my children. But I have enjoyed getting to know Jim and Jane over the last several years and watching them grow together as a couple. They have an admirable love and a quality as a married couple that others want. Someone recently commented to me how they must’ve been high school sweet hearts because they seemed to be so “in love”. Theirs is undoubtedly a love that will last for a lifetime.
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