Not being much of a bowler myself, I was a little surprised when my then-boyfriend suggested that he take my daughter out for a few frames one Saturday afternoon. It was one of the first weekends I had invited him to visit when my daughter wasn’t with her Dad. (After many years of single parenthood, I continued to be very wary of involving her in my romantic liaisons when I wasn’t yet sure where they were headed). This weekend had been discussed between us at length; our relationship had become serious, and we were starting to talk about a future together. How best, we wondered, to have the two of them become acquainted without creating any untoward stress or awkwardness?
I realized that in many ways, theirs would be much like a first date. And what did I like to do on a first date? Something active! I lived in fear of the numbing silences, searching for some commonality to spur on the conversation and give you a chance to size them up; I always suggested something where the focus would be on anything other than each other. I realized that the same thing holds true for developing a relationship with a stepchild; initially, keep it short, keep it fun, and keep it active, and I enthusiastically embraced his suggestion. When I talk with our now-grown daughter about those first few ‘dates’, she recalls them as easy, enjoyable and a conflict-free way to get to know her future stepfather.
Engaging in play with your stepchild offers some unique opportunities not always present in the day-to-day activities of sharing a household. By definition, play is unstructured time when all parties can let down their guard; it is a time for letting go of serious matters, laughing, and should be a safe and comfortable way for the stepchild to spend one-on-one time with their new parent. One of the mistakes our family made in the first year was allowing the stress of working out the new rules and hierarchies impinge on our efforts to enjoy one another. Slowly, occasions of disappointment and misunderstanding began to outnumber the occasions for celebration and fun, which further eroded the fragile bonds we had developed. It is crucial that you make a concerted and intentional effort to keep play a regular and sacred part of your family time.
Though many books suggest sports as an ideal venue, that route can backfire in dramatic ways:
1) if your stepchild has been involved in the sporting activity for any length of time, chances are that either or both biological parents may already be playing a role and the possibility of stepping on toes is a real one;
2) if your stepchild isn’t particularly athletic, the experience may soon become frustrating for both of you; and finally,
3) if you are attempting to coach their team, the potential for conflict is even greater, particularly if your style of play is different than what they are used to.
Foremost in your mind must be selecting activities which will accomplish your goal of bonding with your child; do not get caught up in choosing something that you feel is worthwhile or that meets your needs, at the expense of choosing an activity that will get you where you want to go.
Beware also of activities in which you are an expert and they are just beginning to learn, especially if your stepchild is a preteen/teen. This is a very self-conscious time in their lives and depending on their life circumstances when you came on the scene, they may be resistant to developing a relationship with you at all. Learning something new together, however, and bearing mutual witness to the fumbles that necessarily accompany that process, can be one of the strongest bonding experiences ever. Contrary to what our pride may tell us, looking the fool in front of our children can be an invaluable life lesson. More often than not, fear of being thought an idiot (even more so than fear of danger or injury) keeps all of us from reaching our full potential in any number of quests. Your willingness to put yourself out there will teach them that the only real failure is the failure to try; working together to overcome challenges and learning to laugh at your selves are not only vital developmental tools, but a great basis for a friendship.
As an alternative, have your stepchild teach you how to do something. Let them be the expert; let them laugh (hopefully with you rather than at you, but you can’t always control that!). Your willingness to be vulnerable, the respect you pay by asking and trusting them to be your teacher, and taking on the role of listener rather than speaker are often unique experiences for children in their interactions with adults. This may be just the shift you need to get traction in your growing relationship.
Of course, being a step parent isn’t just about making an ass of yourself. Mutual respect is an essential ingredient to any developing bond, so it’s important to engineer opportunities to share your talents and interests with your stepchildren in a way that is neither intimidating nor boring. My husband is a veterinary surgeon, and he offered to take our daughter to work to watch him perform a surgery. She leapt at the chance, and then invited him to make a presentation to her science class (where he showed really gross slides of removing a grass clump the size of a soccer ball from a cheetah’s belly—very popular with the fifth graders!). He not only gained her respect, but gave her an opportunity to demonstrate her pride in him and his talents. When he was able to get her and a few friends behind the scenes at Marine World to hold some tiger cubs—well that was just the icing on the cake! You may not have a profession that lends itself as easily to this type of scenario, but everyone makes a unique contribution to this world; the idea is to share it with your stepchild in an effort to deepen their understanding and appreciation of you as a person, which is different and separate from you as a step parent.
There are many ways to build bonds with your new stepfamily; with a little thought and creativity, you can come up with ways that are particularly suited to yours. The only absolute is that it won’t happen without some effort on your part. It won’t always feel easy or natural, especially at first, but if you keep in mind your ultimate goal, and commit yourself to whatever is necessary, you will find that you have a new friend—one who will challenge you, frustrate you, teach you, humble you, make you laugh, make you cry, make you proud, and maybe even ultimately, love you—but above all else, will help you to become a better person. So by all means, get out there and play!