Giving birth is no doubt a personal and intimate time for a woman. Perhaps you already have an idea of whom you would like present at the birth of your child. Even more important is to decide whom you do not want present, for your comfort is the most important factor to consider. Sometimes there are people that are very eager to be present, but you aren’t comfortable with them being there. You will have to determine the best way to explain this to them, and remember that it is ultimately your decision who is there.
If there are certain family members or friends that know wouldn’t comfortable with being there, they may make it easier for you to decide. My best friend was pregnant at the time of my delivery, and while I wish that she would have been there to see such a beautiful birth, she wasn’t comfortable with viewing a birth so close to her own. She had certain fears of childbirth that she worried may have been increased by witnessing it in person, and so was not present.
If you are having a homebirth, there are undoubtedly some people in your life that will be uncomfortable with the idea. It may be wise to begin including them in your prenatal visits if they are someone that you want support from, such as a mother or good friend. However, if they are so uncomfortable with the idea that they will counter the support you need during your delivery, I would advise that they not be present. You want to keep positive and possibly experienced birth attendants around you during labor. Unfortunately, this may even mean a person’s mother will not be welcome, and this may be very difficult to explain to her. If a person isn’t able to remain positive about the idea, then perhaps they should be invited over after the birth instead of during.
Another great homebirth plus is that at home there will be no strangers involved with your birth whatsoever. The midwife and her team, if she has one, will be very familiar faces at this point, and you have the right to determine who else will be present. There are no strange nurses coming in and out, or shift changes to occur during your labor. It is even possible to have people “present”, but in another area of the house and thus not really interfering with the flow of labor. I have had family members and friends throughout my house doing various chores, drawing my bath, and arranging meals for me while I delivered. They were being supportive in an indirect way.
Older siblings should always have an opportunity to be present, unless they are very certain they do not want to. It is a good idea to have a “babysitter” available to care for the sibling(s) while you labor. They can take the sibling(s) in and out of the room quietly, and care for them if they decide that they do not want to witness the birth. Sometimes labor can be scary for young children, but if it is approached and explained beforehand, it can be a wonderful experience for them. You may consider watching birth videos with the child to give them an idea of what it may be like.
It may even be possible that you aren’t sure what you are comfortable of. I was asked by a nurse-midwife I hardly knew if she could witness her first homebirth with mine. I told her I would have to let her know once I went into labor, because I didn’t want to promise her something before knowing how I felt at the time. It’s a shame that I delivered so fast, because I’m sure I wouldn’t have noticed if she were there, and I know she would have really enjoyed that particular homebirth.
Sometimes we don’t know who will show up to a birth, and that can be a good or bad thing! Your partner or doula should be able to send unwelcome visitors away or ask them to come back later. For my second labor, I intended on having two midwives (one of which is my mother) and two apprenticing midwives present, as well as my daughter and fiancé. I ended up with a very different scene than this. My sister just so happened to have stayed over the night before, and was present for the birth. She cared for my daughter, and took pictures. My mom made it in time to do labor support, but she feared that the other three attendants wouldn’t make it. She called my aunt, who lives nearby, to help out, and she and my sister ended up being my other attendants! An apprentice made it just in time to catch the baby, and the other was there in time to do postpartum support. But all in all, nothing went as planned!
So who did you have present at your birth? Who do you plan on having present this time?
For more homebirth info, see these related articles:
Let’s Talk About Your Homebirth Supply List
Let’s Talk About Interviewing a Homebirth Midwife
Telling Your Family Your Plans for Home Birth