Do you have a spouse with ADD?? Why the condition can cause many a marriage to fail and a suggestion you can do about it.
A person with ADD, whether diagnosed or not, finds it difficult to focus, difficult to listen and difficult to stay on task. Because of these symptoms, many aspects of marriage can be affected, especially in the areas of communication. Someone married to a spouse with ADD may feel frustrated, unheard and unloved, leading to even more problems.
The issue gets even worse, when the “normal” spouse wants to talk out their problems while the affected spouse may not be able to do so. “How can I get him to listen?” and “I want to talk about our problems, but she just isn’t interested,” may be two common complaints of people married to spouses with ADD. Add spouses tend to not want to or not be able to engage in serious discussions, especially ones about their marriage.
So how do you get an ADD spouse to listen, engage or change a behavior? First of all, you must realize two things. Your spouse may not be ignoring you on purpose, and no matter how much raving you do, you aren’t in control of the other person (you can’t make them engage).
Okay, now that these points are out of the way, let us get down to business. While you can’t control your spouse, you can control yourself and your reactions. Trying to get your spouse to listen while you barrage him or her with demands just isn’t going to work, no matter how natural this strategy seems to be to most of us.
Here is one example. People with ADD are often chronically late. Time seems to operate differently in their world. Pair that person with someone who feels that being on time or even early shows respect, and you have a disaster waiting to happen. Even chronic lateness can tear a marriage apart.
The non-ADD spouse has a choice. He or she could perpetually punish the other spouse for the constant embarrassment for being late, or chose to take separate cars when they have to be some where on time. Control what you can control, which is not the other person. Eventually the consequences of not going to the party together (or wherever you go) may be motivation for the person affected with ADD to develop a system of getting out in time.
Now back to communication. With a spouse that is not constantly attacking over everyday issues, there may also be more motivation to overcome the natural tendencies of ADD and to sit down and talk, to engage and to listen and to improve the marriage.
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