My Last Baby

My husband and I thought that we were done having children after the birth of our two girls. We were using protection and had been discussing permanent options for quite awhile. Then, last March, a surprise came, or perhaps more to the point, it didn’t come. It took me quite a few days after I took the pregnancy test before I could even tell my husband, and when I did, it didn’t go well. But, the facts were the facts, and we were having another baby, whether we had planned on it or not.

Throughout the whole pregnancy, I sort of ignored that fact that a baby was growing inside me. I knew he was there, and I took care of myself the way a pregnant mother should, but I wasn’t really excited about it and didn’t talk about it much. My husband and I discussed the fact that since we thought we were done at two that we were defiantly going to be done after having three kids. We decided it would be best for him to have a vasectomy, which was performed during my eighth month of pregnancy.
On November 12th, Johnny was born. My goodness. I fell in love instantly. He’s my little man and I literally thank god for him everyday. I cling to him and break all the rules I had previously set with my other children. I hold him as much as I can. He sleeps in our room in a bassinet. Don’t tell my husband, but once Johnny gets up once to eat, he ends up in bed with us for the rest of the night. I am overwhelmed with love for this little guy.

Although I love my girls and I care for them deeply, I don’t remember being so overwhelmed with them when they were infants. I think my heart knows that he is my last baby and doesn’t want it to end. When our middle child was born, we had not yet made the decision to stop having children, so it wasn’t like I thought she was it. With Johnny, I know he is it. I know there won’t be any more until I’m a grandmother (which I don’t even want to think about yet). I know that all these firsts will be my last. And it breaks my heart. It’s not that I necessarily want more children, believe me there are days when I think three is too many, it’s just hard to believe this is my last time through this. And although I’m stressed out and sleep deprived, I wouldn’t give it up for anything in the whole world. Thank god for surprises.

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