I frequently talk about putting our spouses first, being open and giving and generous in our relationships. I often mention that relationships are give and take, but I don’t concentrate a lot on the “take” part, since most of us are born with a stronger take gene than a give gene.
However, we all have things in our lives that make an impact on us and sometimes troubles can leave us feeling vulnerable. We may then find it harder to stand up for ourselves whether it’s out of fear or whether it’s because we’re just tired of fighting. There are many reasons.
Unfortunately, some people try to take advantage of the vulnerability of others. It would be nice to say that it doesn’t happen with spouses, but sadly enough it probably happens as often in marriages as it does in other relationships.
If you find yourself in this situation, you have to take action to change that dynamic. That’s the other side of the Golden Rule. We’re taught to treat people how we want to be treated, but at the same time, we teach people how to treat us not only by example, but also by how much we’re willing to put up with.
Of course, there are times when each person feels and behaves a little selfishly, but if it becomes a pattern of someone putting us down, or making us feel like a doormat, we are the only ones who can do something about it.
First, define the problem. Then, communicate it. Tell the other person what he or she is doing to make you feel that way and then explain that selfish, condescending, or controlling behavior is not acceptable. This doesn’t mean you should threaten your spouse, but you should clearly state what is and what is not suitable for your relationship.
Here’s a simple example: Your spouse knows that you hate to argue because your parents did it often. Because of this, he or she knows you tend to give in easily rather than deal with conflict. He or she knows that pushing the issue will usually cause you to give in. Explain how you feel taken advantage of and that such behavior is not conducive to a happy marriage. Let your spouse know that you’d like to be asked and that you reserve the right to say no. Then, try to practice saying no and sticking to it.
We have to take charge of our lives and decide how we’re willing to be treated, because people will treat us how we let them.