I stepped out of my comfort zone today. I mentioned a few weeks ago that I’ve been seeing a therapist to work through some of my issues regarding my divorce and the men in my life. I fought against it for months, but finally gave in because I knew I needed the help to get past these fears. We usually go into a room, talk about my hopes, my dreams, my fears, talk about some solutions, and then I’m on my way until the next week. So when she told me we’d be meeting in the play room today I was a little caught off guard. We talked like usual at first, but then she asked me if we could play with some sand today. Intrigued, I agreed. She asked me to create a peaceful scene in the sand, using any of the toys in the room. I looked around searching my brain trying to think of something to put in the sand. After a few minutes there were some trees and flowers surrounding a big bath tub, because who doesn’t love a warm bubble bath in the middle of nowhere? That was my peaceful scene. “Alright,” she said, “now put you in it.” I grabbed one of the little barbies from the doll house and stuck me right in the tub. “Alright she said, “Now go find something to represent your ex husband. Anything you want.” I grabbed one of the guys out of the doll house. She told me to imagine that he was intruding on this safe place that I had created. I put him front and center in the sand.
“Alright Sarah, now pick them up and talk to him. Tell him everything that you have always wanted to say, but never had the courage to. Tell him how he hurt you. Tell him how you feel. Tell him the things that you have been holding inside.” At first I felt a little strange, I mean I haven’t played with dolls since I was a little girl, but within about 30 seconds I was telling “Tyler” everything that I had never had the guts to say when he left. I told him how I would never fully be able to trust again. I told him how he had never appreciated me. I told him how badly I had wanted to keep our family together and how hurt I was that he walked away. I told him how angry I was at the things he had done to me. I told him how he had hurt our son. All of those feelings I’ve been bottling up inside just came pouring out of me. Then we went on, “Tell him what you need from him to be able to heal.” I told him how I needed him to realize what he had and what he had lost. I needed him to realize that he was wrong. I needed him to validate my feelings. “Now have him tell you the response that you need from him.” And then he told me all the things that I wanted to hear from him.
“Now that you have what you needed to heal, where would you have him?” I then proceeded to bury him in the sand. That chapter of my life is over. I don’t have to deal with that pain anymore. I’ve had what I needed to heal, it’s time to move on. Amazing what a little playtime will do!
Sometimes talking things out is what you need to be able to let go. Did I feel a little silly talking through these dolls? Yes, but there was something about saying all the things I always wanted to say that helped me. I needed to verbalize them, to hear the conversation out loud. Even though they were only a couple of dolls, I feel like I am one step closer to healing. He is buried in the sand. That chapter of my life is over, it’s time to move on.