I have always been one to avoid confrontation. There’s nothing I hate worse. Because of this, I often don’t express myself in a way that really lets the other person know how I’m truly feeling. While it is important to approach these situations with care, it is equally important to let your voice be heard. This is crucial in cases of divorce. This is one side of communication that my ex-husband and I really struggle with. In an effort to avoid confrontation neither one of us communicates the way we are feeling and eventually we both get tired of it and blow up over the seemingly smaller issues.
When something is bothering you it is important to communicate that to your ex right away. The behavior may or may not stop, but they need to know how you feel about it or nothing will change. At the same time it is important to pick your battles. Your ex is going to do things you don’t like, they did while you were married, and it is no different now. You have to decide what things are big enough issues that they need to be addressed. When you fail to talk about them, you aren’t letting them go, you are just letting them fester until they get bigger. In the end this really doesn’t solve anything. The behavior doesn’t change and the confrontation comes regardless. If it is something that you can’t let go, the most loving thing you can do for yourself is to talk about it so that you aren’t carrying that weight around with you anymore.
When you do decide that it is time to talk about the issue be careful in your approach. If you approach them in an accusatory way they will immediately put up their defenses and you will make little progress in resolving the issue. Remember to use “I” statements rather than “you” statements. Make sure you tell them exactly how you are feeling and why you are feeling that way. If you walk around on eggshells forever, sooner or later one of them is going to crack.