Either sisters behave differently than brothers do, or my mom has conveniently developed a sort of amnesia about what she witnessed between my sister and I when my sister was a baby. As many parents do, I sometimes ask my mom about what my sister and I were like as children. I’m not sure if she is afraid to offend or if time has faded the memories of any early rivalry but according to my mom, there was no drama when she brought my sister home from the hospital or in the months that followed. The rivalry that eventually developed, fighting over friends and things like that, is something that she says developed much later. It disappeared of its own accord, too. Once my sister and I were in college we stopped competing with each other and have become quite friendly.
I, on the other hand, will have a few stories to tell Dylan and Blake if they ask me about such things many years from now. The challenges are different now than they were when I first brought Blake home from the hospital, but they are challenges nonetheless. Fortunately we are well past the stage where Dylan was demanding to sit in my lap and nurse every time Blake was nursing. Blake now gets my lap all to himself, because Dylan is busy with other things – phew.
The current challenges have more to do with Dylan wanting to jump over, on, and around Blake. He says that he does not want to hurt him, and part of me believes that. I can see that Dylan wants to like Blake. This evening Dylan had fun making a hissing noise at Blake repeatedly because every time Dylan made the noise, Blake laughed hysterically. Sometimes, though, I become concerned that Dylan may want to hurt Blake because he tries to kick and hit him.
I have read that it is important to acknowledge a child’s feelings about wanting to hurt their sibling. After all, people often can not help what they feel and a child can learn to have feelings yet not act on them. I’ve tried asking him to show me what he would like to do to his brother by using a stuffed animal but he won’t. He does not usually tell me how he feels either even though I have told him that it is okay to have negative feelings and that it is safe to tell me about them.
It seems like I do plenty of things that would help to bolster Dylan’s self esteem and reassure him that he has a unique and special place in my heart. When Blake naps, I let Dylan choose what we do together. At bed time, I put Blake to bed so that I can cuddle with Dylan while I read to him. I focus lots of attention on Dylan throughout the day, while Blake mostly watches quietly from the front pack that I carry him in. I feel like I am still in search of what it is that Dylan needs from me right now regarding his baby brother. I can only hope that I find it soon so that I can begin to provide it.