A child with an attachment disorder may have a more persistent and stronger level of opposition then the average child the same age. This kind of opposition comes from a lack of trust for adults in general. Children from the foster care system typically have learned that adults can be very unsafe. Because adults have not always taken great care of the child–he or she has no reason to believe adults ever really will.
While in the system children experience law enforcement, social workers, case workers, new doctors, emergency foster care placement, long term foster parents, CASA, and a verity of other people who had power to change their world with a few words, spoken or written on a page. They experience visitation with their biological parents, at the same time they are prepared for adoption in many cases.
Children often develop an oppositional approach to new situation and when adults give direction the safest reaction is to do the opposite. For some children this is an intense need they don’t even realize they are feeling. The opposition can show up in subtle or in huge ways.
With our daughter, Makala, we saw a lot of oppositional behaviors. One of the funniest was when she first moved in big brother, Sean, and big sister, Tori told Makala that mommy could not stand Barney the Dinosaur. So for the next year every time Daddy took Makala shopping she came home with Barney. Every special occasion included Barney and by the end of this oppositional cycle Makala had more Barney toys then anything else. She never even liked the Barney show, but because she believed I couldn’t stand Barney it was safe for her to love Barney.
Oppositional behaviors and feelings can actually cause it to be difficult for the mother or caretaker to get close to the child. For the child this is safer then letting you love them. To the child it is better to never let you get close, then to have feelings and be hurt again. By being oppositional the child believes there is a good and real reason when things turn out differently and you don’t end up loving them the way you promised you would.
The best advice I have to share about dealing with the opposition is to pick the battles and only fight the wars. If your child has a need to buy every purple dinosaur that even remotely looks like Barney then what does it hurt to give them the space to be a little oppositional. Draw the lines with consistent and non wavering results. Expect to repeat yourself over and over as the child learns the boundary’s and understands the limits of your household.
Some of the side effect behaviors seen in children with attachment disorders are:
- Side Effects of Attachment Disorders Series Introduction.
- Control.
- Conscience Development.
- Stealing and Jealousy.
- Thinking errors.
- Anger and Rage.
- Feeling.
- Requesting and Meeting the Requests.
- Decision-Making
Special Needs and Adoption-Related Terms:
A | B | C | D | E-F | G-H-I | J-K-L | M | N-O | P | Q-R | S | T-U-V-W-X-Y-Z
For more information about parenting special needs children you might want to visit the Families.com Special Needs Blog and the Mental Health Blog. Or visit my personal website.
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