Often it seems very clear to us as parents that we must step in and be direct and “take charge” when it comes to guiding and parenting our children. Especially when they are younger and we need to keep them safe and make sure lessons are very clear and concise. As our children get older, however, sometimes we need to take a much lighter hand. Our guidance and parenting often has to be much more subtle…
I have found that learning how to guide my children from more of an advisory or facilitator’s role has been one of the hardest adjustments I have had to make as a parent. I am not, by nature, a terribly subtle person and my boldness has often been a real asset. As a parent of three small children very close together in age, I found that I needed to be very clear, very strong, and very unquestionably “in charge.” As my children grew and developed rather strong minds of their own, I had to learn that trying to “make” them take my opinions and direction was not always the best approach to take.
Learning how to provide guidance and direction, without necessarily appearing to be doing so, takes practice, but is a great parenting skill to have tucked away in your toolbox. I’m not talking about being manipulative or sneaky here. Instead, think about how you behave at work or with other adults, often we learn how to offer suggestions and opinions (or when NOT to) without being bossy or pushy. We can use these same skills with our children. Steering them in the “right” direction without being overbearing can help them to develop strong self-esteem, and help us avoid those horrible power struggles. A nudge, positive reinforcement and encouragement, and knowing how to pick and choose when will intervene can all be ways to provide subtle guidance instead of being an overwhelming, controlling presence.
Also: Try Using Your “Nice” Voice (When You Can)
The Role of Adaptation in Parenting