As you might imagine, I hear all sorts of stories and “versions” of what is going on when my kids return from a trip/visit to their dad’s house. In the early months after the final separation (there were a few before the final one) and the divorce, I used to get very hot and bothered by the things they told me. I was quick to get on the phone or on e-mail to find out just exactly what was going “wrong” over there. Eventually, I learned that I needed to give my children’s father the benefit of the doubt and suspend any tendency to react or judge until I really knew exactly what had gone down.
It’s hard! We can be like mother bears (regardless of our gender) when it comes to our kids. And, with all the water and rapids that have gone under that bridge, we may be quite wary and expect the worst when it comes to our ex spouses or partners. Our kids know this though and they also learn early on how to get sympathy (as well as other things they might want) by turning to one parent to complain about the other.
I am not saying that we shouldn’t listen to our kids and even do some investigating of the things they tell us, I am just suggesting that it is important to stay calm and neutral until we know all the facts. This way, we avoid making things worse by flying off the handle, and we let our kids know that we are going to communicate with the other parent about any accusations. The kids will quickly learn that they can’t play both sides against the middle with predictable success if the parents are going to stay calm and communicative. Sure, you may still disagree, and you may very well have every reason to be upset about something that has happened–but find out the facts first.
Also: Denial and the Single Parent
Make Sure They Know Who Is The Boss