I have always had difficulty with the name of this stage of the cycle. I question if it is normal behavior that occurs. I wonder if it should be called habitual behaviour rather than normal behavior.
During this stage, things begin to slip back to normal. It takes so much energy to keep up remorse, buyback and honeymoon that the perpetrator will begin to let his guard down. His behavior slips back to the old ways that he had been promising to lose. As an example, if during buyback the perpetrator had promised that the family would have a together day every Sunday, it may have actually occurred a few times during honeymoon. Dad promised the kids and Mum that every Sunday they would have a picnic at the beach. Mum could sit and read her magazines, he would take the kids fishing, cook a barbeque, and they’d all enjoy time away from home. Lovely. HOWEVER, during the stage of “Normal”, things begin to slip.
The kids have been saving their money, bought some new lures and at 6 AM on Sunday morning they bound into Mum and Dad’s room, excited and eager to get to the beach so they can try out their new lures. Dad snaps: “Get back to bed,” he yells. “What do you think you’re doing coming into our room so early? No fishing today because you don’t deserve it. You kids can’t do anything right!” The kids slink out of the room, hurt by Dad’s outburst. Mum thinks, “That was a bit over the top but he’s been so good lately. He’s trying. I won’t say anything because he has been trying so hard.”
Bingo! The cycle has Mum where it needs her to be. Remember that the cycle is a pattern of behavior. There is little clear communication because people’s thoughts and behaviors drive the cycle to repetition. Clear communication of individual thoughts would give some personal power and break the cycle in a way unfamiliar to all. Until Mum realizes this, she will be trapped and at the mercy of the perpetrators escalating behaviors of violence.
This stage may last for months. His good behaviors gradually drop away. Mum keeps remembering his words of apology in remorse, the cards she received in buyback, and the loving and attentive behavior he showered her with in honeymoon. She prays that things will get back to where they’ve just been: good times that gave her hope and confidence in the changed relationship.
Mum is about to be sucked into the next stage of “Tension Build up”. We’ll have a look at that tomorrow.