As children get older they begin to understand the divorce more clearly. They may have many questions about the changes they are going to be experiencing and may have some complex emotions about what is happening in their lives. Here is a guide to the later years and how to ease the transition on them as you are going through your divorce.
Children during the 5-8 age range likely will not understand the dynamics of the divorce. They too may experience feelings of guilt and wonder if they were the cause of your divorce. They may fantasize about you and your spouse getting back together again. They may even try to “rescue” the marriage. They may have some anxiety about whether or not they will see their other parent again. Reassure your children often that they are not at fault for your divorce. Be realistic with them and let them know that you guys aren’t getting back together. Be empathetic and let them know that you understand how hard this must be for them and you are sorry that they have to go through it. Keep a consistent visitation schedule so that they know without a doubt that they will still see both of you even though you don’t live together anymore.
As kids get a little older the divorce can be extremely stressful on them. They may get angry and blame one parent or the other. They may take sides and accuse you of being selfish and not thinking about their feelings. It is often common for school age children to invent symptoms in order to stay home from school so that they don’t have to face their peers. Children in this age range desperately need to talk about their feelings regarding the divorce. If they don’t feel comfortable talking to you, you may want to have them talk to their school psychologist about what they are feeling. They may be able to give them some different strategies to cope with the emotions they are feeling.
Teenagers understand much more clearly what is going on in the home. They may display a wide range of emotions during this time. Some may become withdrawn and depressed, while others are likely to rebel against their parents to assert some control in their lives. They may act like they could care less if their parents are together or not, but it is affecting them none the less. Let your child talk about their feelings and let them know that you are there for them if they ever need to talk about it. Again it is important to keep consistent rules at both homes so that they don’t try to play you against each other.
The best thing to do for any child going through a divorce is to assure them of your love for them and to let them know that no matter what happens you will always be there for them.