‘Become the change you want to see in the world.’ That quote from Gandhi is emblazoned cross the notice board of a high school around our way. It started me thinking that it sounds like good advice for marriage too.
So if you want your spouse to be more thoughtful or understanding or sensitive to your needs, then maybe you need to demonstrate those qualities toward your spouse first. I’m talking to myself, as much as any of you reading here.
If you want your spouse to listen to you, then you need to show them the courtesy of listening to them. If you want your spouse to respect your feelings and know when you don’t want to talk about something, or you do want to talk but it’s the wrong time, then you need to tell them this. You also need to respect your spouse’s feelings. Don’t pounce on them as soon as they walk through the door demanding they tell you how their day was. Otherwise you’re likely to get a very curt or non committal answer.
When our kids were at school if I fired the questions: ‘How was school? What did you do today?’ I would get a brief non committal answer. But if I allowed them to relax first they then came around in their own time and told me what was going on. It was a matter of being patient, till they were ready to talk. This was often a family dinner time. That’s one reason why family dinners are so important.
In many ways your spouse is no different. The time has to be right. You can’t just manufacture conversations when it suits you.
Your spouse isn’t rejecting you, if they don’t want to get involved in a long conversation the minute they walk in the door, or while they’re trying to get dinner, or when they’re in the middle of watching the news on TV. They’re just telling you subtly that it’s not the right time.
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