By now, we’ve all learned that parenting doesn’t come with a rule book and our children certainly didn’t arrive with an owner’s manual (or at least, mine didn’t–but we have a tendency to misplace things around here!). For me, it was when my children became full-fledged adolescents that I truly felt like I was flying by the seat of my pants. One of the issues that came up was how to deal with “other kids” when they were at my house. When was I the sole responsible party and when should I call the other parents? What infractions warranted being sent home?
Whereas when my children were smaller and younger, I felt like I had a good “teamwork” relationship with their friends’ parents. We all knew each other and were checking in to see if everyone was behaving and looked after. Around late middle school/high school, things started to get murky. As my kids moved around the city more and met kids through various activities, their worlds expanded and it became increasingly challenging for me to stay on top of things. The situation was made even more difficult by the growing obvious difference in parenting styles among my kids’ friends’ parents. I just assumed we would all be wanting to stay attentive and know if our kids got into any trouble or made dangerous or irresponsible choices. I was quite wrong.
In reality, while some parents continued to call ahead, come by and introduce themselves, and check in, others seemed to never know who was at their house or where the kids were or what they were doing. My messages would go unanswered, or if I did get through, information would be vague and sketchy. Now, I am no Pollyanna, and I realize that teens are going to expend a great deal of energy trying to “get away with things,” but I hadn’t realized they would have such accomplices in their parents!
In response, I instituted a few choice rules on my end–with the help of some technological advances. I still attempt to talk to and meet the parents of new friends before my kids are staying over night or hanging out at their homes. However, the responsibility has come to rest more on my children. I insist upon phone numbers of all the places they anticipate being, expect them to call when they arrive someplace, and call me to let me know if they change location. With caller I.D., I can see from where they are calling, so I have a “call from the home phone and not a cell phone” rule. They have a half-hour grace period before I call. If they are not where they are supposed to be, or the parents don’t know anything about what’s going on, I take more drastic action. I have been known to send the police to the home where I knew my daughter was “hiding” but where the parents weren’t answering the phone (it only took once.)
Does this mean that my kids don’t misbehave or find ways around mom’s rules? I doubt it. But, at least I know I am still being the parent and that they are learning independence comes with increased responsibilities (even if “nobody else’s parents do that!). I continue to interact with the parents of kids who come around my home as I wish and expect them to interact with me–it’s not always appreciated, nor reciprocated, but I feel like I am doing what feels right to me. Meanwhile, I have a trail of phone numbers and contacts in case I need to track down my teenager!