Continuing on from Walking the Tightrope of the Mother-Daughter Relationship (1), today we’ll look at ways in which to make the transition through the teenage years as smooth as possible. Below are some suggestions for positive actions to help strengthen the mother-daughter relationship.
1. Brush up on your listening skills. Your role as a mother is changing from one of doing most things for your daughter to one of letting her make her own mistakes. Encourage her to talk about issues that are bothering her. This is a growing-up period for you, not just for her, and part of that growing–up process on your part is allowing your daughter to have her own opinions even if you don’t agree with them. Focus instead on being an excellent listener. It will pay many dividends in the future.
2. Ask her opinion about issues that affect her life. When your daughter confides in you that her 13-year-old friend is becoming increasingly involved sexually with a boy at school, resist the temptation to sound off with your own views on the subject. She already knows what your views are, and expounding them at this point in time will only put your daughter off. Instead, ask her what she thinks of the situation. Again, when she answers you, try not to be judgmental, just listen. Your daughter is paying you a compliment by sharing this information with you.
3. Keep communication open. It is important that you do not break these first tenuous lines of communication about adult issues. By all means, gently remind her of your thoughts on the matter, but let her know too, that you trust her judgment as well. She will not always agree with your views. It would be unrealistic to expect her to. But giving her space to express her opinion without fear of censure from you, will encourage her to bring up further issues in the future. Being able to talk openly and honestly and to “agree to disagree” is the basis of any strong relationship. This goes for the mother–daughter one as well.
Next article in this series, we will explore further ways of negotiating the minefield of adolescence.
Contact Beth McHugh for further information or assistance regarding this issue.