Today we are joined by Mr. G. M. Jones (pictured, left) president of The Society for the Prevention of the Exploitation of Lizard Secretions. Mr. Jones contacted me after reading my last blog here in weight loss, about the use of Gila monster saliva in weight loss formulations. Mr. Jones was born and raised in the Gila monster community and has devoted his life to forwarding the cause of his species.
Me: Mr. Jones, thank you for contacting me. You mentioned in your e-mail that you are very concerned about what this recent medical discovery will mean for members of your species. Would you please share these concerns with our readers?
Mr. Jones: (flicking his tongue) We Gila monsters have willingly donated our saliva for the purposes of controlling diabetes for the last three years, and we’re proud of our work. However, with the recent development in the weight loss research field, my associates and I are beginning to become concerned. We’re already spitting at full capacity, and we don’t know if we’ll be able to meet up with the demand.
Furthermore, we hope that our efforts will be properly recompensed. The more time we spend spitting, the less time we have to spend at our jobs and with our families. I was recently turned down for a promotion because I’d been absent four days in a row—days I spent spitting, instead of working.
Me: I understand you and your colleagues would like to discuss trading in your day jobs in favor of spitting full-time?
Mr. Jones: This is our hope. We do understand that we are providing a valuable resource to humankind, but we have to pay the rent. Our demands aren’t exorbitant—just enough to pay the bills, maybe a little Comcast, dinner out with the Mrs. from time to time.
Me: I hope you are able to come to a reasonable agreement with the scientists.
Mr. Jones: Me too.
Me: You mentioned feeling proud of your work with the diabetes patients. How do you feel about helping with the ongoing struggle of weight loss?
Mr. Jones: We would love it if we could be of assistance. We have noticed quite a bit of variation in the shapes and sizes of you humans – us Gilas are all pretty much the same size. Must be all that spit we’re carrying. But we’re told that it’s healthier for humans to lose their excess weight, so we’d be proud to help you achieve a healthier lifestyle.
Me: So Gila monsters don’t suffer from weight problems?
Mr. Jones: Not usually. We’re a pretty slender bunch. We do sometimes have issues with dry, scaly skin, but we’re told that’s pretty common for lizards. I do have to ask, though, does the fact that it’s common make it right? Perhaps those scientists could come up with something for us – maybe lizard lotion made out of human spit.
Me: I’m not sure our spit is all that moisturizing, but I’ll see what I can find out.
Thank you for joining us today, Mr. Jones, and we wish you the best of luck in your quest.
Mr. Jones: Thank you. And perhaps later we can discuss this whole Gila “monster” thing, an appellation which has been stuck upon us most unfairly.
Me: Yes, we’ll do that another time.
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