Have you ever noticed that when you start feeling anger, there was usually some other feeling first? As single parents we tend to go through a wide range of emotions, especially in the beginning, when things are fresh. Anger is no exception. It is natural to feel some anger at your situation, to feel angry at your ex for whatever reason. However, usually when we are feeling angry, we were feeling something else to begin with. Take a step back and examine yourself. What are you really feeling? Before the anger set in, were you feeling hurt, embarrassed, stressed, jealous, helpless, frustrated? When my ex left, I remember feeling angry, but first I was hurt. I was hurt that he would throw away everything that we had worked so hard for. I was hurt that he didn’t care enough about our family to try and work things out. I was hurt by the lies that I had been told for so long. I felt betrayed. All of those emotions were masked by anger. In my mind it was easier to feel angry than it was to face the pain. Feeling angry made me feel less vulnerable.
We often find ourselves in this situation with our children. We’ve all been there. You leave for what you hoped would be an uneventful trip to the grocery store, only to find your toddler throwing the temper tantrum of the century as you pass by the toy aisle. Initially, you were probably feeling a little embarrassed by their unruly behavior, but if you are like most of us you quickly transition into anger.
Your children are no different. Anger is rarely their first reaction to a situation. When you passed by the toys and told them they couldn’t have one today, they likely felt disappointment, before the anger set in. We all feel sad when we can’t have the things that we want. As children, they have a hard time processing and understanding those emotions and so they often turn to anger and frustration as they are trying to express what they are really feeling.
So next time you start feeling a little angry, ask yourself, “What am I really feeling?” If you deal with the initial feelings first, the anger will start to fall away, one step at a time, and perhaps you will be more understanding of others the next time they are angry with you. Remember, anger is rarely the first emotion.