This may seem like an odd topic for the Marriage blog, but a conversation I had yesterday really got me thinking. Someone very close to me has spent the last few years kicking herself for choices she made, some good and some bad. She has two children, both products of affairs of the heart – the fathers were both men that she loved very much.
With her first child, their relationship disintegrated in the weeks after the baby was born and with her second, the relationship was disintegrating during the pregnancy. She feels like a failure in the sense that she wasn’t married before having her children.
But what floored me was when she said that it was all moot now – who would want a woman with two kids? The first thing I felt was sympathy because I know she’s wrong, but as long as she believes this and feels so strongly about it – she’s probably right and the second thing I felt was anger.
Marriage is a Gift
Marriage is a wonderful thing. It’s a gift and it’s beautiful and it’s great, but it’s not the end-all be-all of the universe. Marriage doesn’t magically make all things better and it certainly doesn’t make one person more worthy than another. Judging yourself and your life based on whether or not you are married or marriageable is so archaic that it’s – it’s a sad comment on our society.
There are literally thousands of books, news articles, magazine stories and online columns like this one that offer relationship advice, dating tips and marriage guides. A whole portion of our culture is wholly devoted to the long-term relationship and marriage. Singles are considered people to be pitied because they are alone – and I find that attitude reprehensible and mostly, I just find it sad.
Being Single Isn’t A Crime
Just because she’s single and just because she has two kids – the only crime being committed is that she is judging herself in such an unfair light. She is judging her own value based on whether she has a significant other or she is married.
She thinks no one will want her because she has two kids, the truth is – as long as she doesn’t believe or care in herself, she will likely make that a self-fulfilling prophecy. The men who are too shallow to see her because she has kids are not the men she wants to be with.
And that – for me – is my rant this morning. Being married is a great thing and I love it – but it isn’t who I am – it’s just another part of me. She’s a good person and she’s a good mom and she’s a really beautiful lady – if she could just see herself through kinder eyes – the world would be a happier place for her – single or not.
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