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Even the most experienced and well trained parents may find it is more then we expected the first several months after siblings move into our home for adoption. The fact there is more than one child being placed usually means least one of the children will be older. Except in the case of twins and twin parenting is special no matter what. The siblings may have been kept together while in foster care and in some cases they were not together but the older child knows and loves the younger sibling/siblings, very much.
As the adoptive parents it can be amazing to witness the power of the sibling bond we can see when we decide to adopt two or more related children. These children often cling to each other for a long period of time after being brought home. In some cases it seems the children have their own way of connecting and communicating with each other.
Sometimes siblings have toxic or dysfunctional behaviors often learned as a shared memory of abuse or neglect they may have experienced in the past. The children have seen things we would like to think no one sees. Our “normal” may not be the child’s and our “normal” may not be what it was in the foster home.
Family attachment can be interesting in a sibling adoption situation. Because there are multiple attachments forming. I would say it may take a little longer for everyone to feel equally attached to each member of the new family. Each individual forms a unique attachment with each other individual. Because of the multiple relationships the time it takes is bound may be longer than it might have been adding one child at a time.
As family attachment builds there are things that interfere with the process. Suddenly you have two or more new members join your family and your time and attention is divided. For example, we had a baby age 12 months and a little girl almost 5 year old placed. In one day we went from a family with two grown children to a family with diapers and temper tantrums because the ketchup touched the salad.
I was not as able to spend one on one time with our 5 year old daughter because her brother needed a diaper change or was getting into something. I had to meet the needs of two children at the same time and get to know who they were, what they liked, and how they wanted to be loved.
One highlight I experienced as the mother of adopted siblings happened a few months after our children came home. I was not aware Jeremiah was able to give a hug and kiss, until one afternoon when I watched him giving his big sister hugs and kisses.
It was one of those moments and I said to Makala, “You know, your little brother really loves you and you are the only person who has always been there with him everyday of his life, that is pretty special.”
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For more information about parenting special needs children you might want to visit the Families.com Special Needs Blog and the Mental Health Blog. Or visit my personal website.