When we go to a wedding or hear about an engagement, we all wonder will they make it? Will that couple stay together? We’ll think about all the things they’ve done together and all the things they’ve shared and we think about it. We can’t help it, especially those of us who have grown up seeing our parents, parents of our friends divorcing. I, myself, grew up raised by a single mother and my grandmother. My grandfather died before I was born and I never knew my father.
A study was discussed recently in Psychology Today that found many a relationship can be judged by the type of courtship the couple shared prior to getting married. A professor at the University of Texas at Austin collected data on 168 different marriages since 1979. The analysis of the study offers two different theories.
The theories are that relationships are either event driven or relationship driven. The difference is that when a relationship escalates due to external influences such as moving in together to save money on rent is not about increasing intimacy. Though the study has not concluded yet, the speculation is that event driven relationships are more likely to have uncertainty and conflict – this could lead to the couple breaking up.
Couples who are relationship driven on the other hand have a tendency to make their decisions based on the deepening intimacy they share. The idea is that love, whether it blossomed immediately or bloomed over time, is needed to develop the relationship naturally.
Why Does This Matter?
The type of relationship matters because when a couple escalates their relationship because of outside factors they may be arbitrarily cutting short their own courtship. They may be creating a level of expectation that is not based on reality. This can actually cause both members of the couple to suppress conflict and difficulty while they try to deepen the relationship – after all, they are living together – right?
Does this mean you should never live with someone before you get married? No. But what it does mean is that you should make your relationship choices based on feelings and on the health of the relationship, not on what is going on in the world around you. The couple that escalates because it’s more financially feasible for them and the couple that gets together because they really don’t want to be apart – they are different places in their relationship – one is achieved artificially and the other naturally.
Organic relationships are more likely to succeed than artificial ones. But we know that – so the next time you attend a wedding or hear about an engagement and you wonder will they make it – you’re not being unkind or unsupportive – you are just being human. Marriages that are relationship driven are more likely to over come their conflicts and disagreements than those that are event driven.
Related Articles:
To Love and To Cherish: Not to Be In Love & Court
Marriage: The Human Life Cycle
Marriage: It’s Not Called Dating for a Reason