This question may not be spoken aloud–except between adoptive parents. This worry can be in the back of the mind for a long time. For those who add children to the family only by adoption it may linger for years especially during those times when parenting is stressful.
I myself wondered how I was going to feel or if the love I have would be the “same” for my adopted children as it is for the ones I gave birth to. I knew all along I was the kind of person who had the ability to love another mother’s children. No matter how that love felt to me I would be a good mother.
From the moment we found out we had been selected by the committee as the pre-adoptive family for Makala and Jeremiah I had no idea or expectation of what my feelings might be. I was prepared for the fact it might take time for me to have the emotional rush of unconditional love I had with my other children.
When the waiting period was over and the transition plan had been made with the foster family I was pretty much ready for anything. The 350 mile drive and checking into the hotel was stressful. Under it all was anxiety, because that night I would meet the baby who would be 1 year old in a few weeks.
When we saw the foster parents walk into the hotel lobby and I got my first look at little guy in her arms my first thought was–he is more handsome than the one picture we had been drooling over for nearly two months. I will admit I did feel some intimidation but think in reality it was my own awkwardness with the foster mother who clearly loved my son like her own. By the end of the dinner I was ready to put him in the car and drive home, but knew we had to follow the rules of the two week transition. That night it didn’t yet feel like he was my son but I was much more at peace with my worries. After all he was our surprise baby and I knew I would be the only mother he remembered.
It was difficult to sleep that night. We were meeting Makala for breakfast in the morning. I think I was more worried about what I would feel like meeting a child who was about to turn 5 years old and could walk, talk, and remember her birth mother and two foster mother’s before me.
We arrived at the restaurant early and found a table. If it had not 8:30 in the morning I might have had a drink! We sat there and the minutes were like hours my head turning every few moments to look at the door, and finally I saw the foster mother walking toward our table. I could not see Makala until they nearly reached our table. My eyes were in shock at her pure beauty, and long hair which had been pinned up in the photo we had.
Makala came to the table and looked at me and Andrew her huge brown eyes looked right into mine and she asked, “Are you my new mommy and daddy?”
At that moment I remembered the delivery room when Sean and Tori were born and the rush of pure unconditional love I had felt when I heard the first cry of my newborn babies–and I felt exactly the same at that moment.
I took my daughter’s hand into mine and looked and smiled a mother’s smile as I said, “Yes, Makala we are your FOREVER mommy and daddy.”
Special Needs and Adoption-Related Terms:
A | B | C | D | E-F | G-H-I | J-K-L | M | N-O | P | Q-R | S | T-U-V-W-X-Y-Z
For more information about parenting special needs children you might want to visit the Families.com Special Needs Blog and the Mental Health Blog. Or visit my personal website.