I became a stepmom several years ago, and I can honestly say I wasn’t very prepared. I had some stepmom experience; after all I had two of my own while growing up! But, upon reflection, they pretty much stayed out of my life and I stayed out of theirs. When we visited, my dad handled everything. I took this for granted and never considered it as a lesson to be applied to my own family until after I became a stepmom myself. I’m a hands-on, stay-at-home mom and my husband’s children spend more time with us than away from us. There were some major shocks and growing pains as we all adjusted that could have been avoided if I had been prepared for a few simple truths, as uttered from the mouths of stepchildren everywhere:
- “You are not my mother” This is almost universal amongst stepchildren. If your stepchild isn’t saying it, she’s probably thinking it! Many stepparents naturally assume a parenting role upon marriage when this is oftentimes not entirely appropriate. If both parents play an active role in a child’s life, it is usually healthier for the stepmother to assume a “kindly aunt” role, leaving the father to be the primary disciplinarian but still maintaining a warm and close relationship with the children. When children realize that you aren’t out to replace their Mother, they will relax and any feelings of disloyalty, guilt, or anger will subside.
- “Can I call you Mom?” Ironically, this one is also pretty common. The same children who want to make sure you KNOW you are not their real mother also want to feel loved, respected and adored by you. They want to feel important in your life. They are etching out a relationship with you. Some may just be unsure what to call you. Ultimately this choice should be left up to the children. Many children find it moving to be told that they can call you “Mom”, even if they never opt to do so. If they do opt to call you “Mom”, you may encounter problems with their biological mother. She may not want to share this title, which can create feelings of guilt and loyalty issues for the children.
- “When is Daddy moving back in with Mommy?” Most children long for their parents to be together. Children don’t like change, even if it is change for the better. Even children from abusive homes often dream of a fantasy home life that never really existed except in their minds. Keep in mind that these dreams are natural and normal and never truly a reflection of a child’s feelings about his present blended family or about you as a stepmom, as is evident by the all-too-common next phrase.
- “You won’t divorce, will you?” Children of divorce suffer a loss of innocence with regard to the permanence of family life. Expect that your step-children will voice fear, anxiety or apprehension about the permanence of your blended family. Reassure them from time to time that you are all in this together, for the long haul. Don’t be afraid to have regular healthy disagreements in front of your children, either. While arguing in front of children isn’t healthy, it is ok for you to have disagreements with your husband so that the children can learn that happily married adults DO disagree from time to time and that does not mean the end of marriage. You still work it out and this is great role-modeling.
- “My Mom thinks you….. (fill in the blank)” This is a fun one. Not all stepmothers have the burden of this aspect of blended family life but it is a possibility for many. Jealousy can run rampant with ex-wives and there is, unfortunately, often a trickle-down effect to the kids. You should be prepared that you may hear more than you care to about what your stepchildren’s mother thinks of your parenting style, your hairdo, your biological children, etc. When this happens, be prepared to calmly state “We try not to say rude things about people in this house” and leave it at that, no matter what the temptation might be to defend yourself. And NEVER stoop to her level.
- “You don’t do anything for me!” This one might not be spoken out loud but many step-moms report feeling like nothing they do is ever good enough for their step-children. The fact is this is something that biological parents face occasionally, as well. It is best to chalk it up to childhood self-centeredness. Always keep in mind that we parent out of selflessness and not with any expectation of gratitude and you won’t be let down. Parenting IS a thankless job sometimes.
- “You aren’t the boss of me!” This one is pretty common. Kids resist discipline anyway but they REALLY don’t like discipline and rules set or enforced from this intruder in the family. They will get used to it over time but it is always a good idea to have their father break new rules to them, even if they were created by you. When he is available, it is a good idea for their father to also do the disciplining. It is usually only when the father is present but the stepmom takes over and makes a lot of sweeping changes that stepchildren really get resentful. Avoid that scenario and you will all be more at ease.
- “You treat them better than me!” If you have biological children, this one is also very common. Stepparents quickly learn the difference between fairness and equality but stepchildren aren’t such quick learners. Most parents recognize that each child is an individual with their own levels of maturity, trustworthiness, responsibility, personality strengths and weaknesses, etc. And most parents don’t try to make everything completely equal but strive for fairness, instead. Children seem to understand this until it is their step-sibling that is the recipient of more privileges, responsibilities, freedoms, etc. It doesn’t matter how fair things are, if they are not perfectly equal (and they will NEVER be perfectly equal in a healthy family) you can expect to be accused of favoritism. No explanation will be good enough. Just try to barrel through.
- “Dad spends more time with you than me!” Children whose parents have been divorced for awhile may utter this one. They may be used to spending “one-on-one time” with Dad at every visit and suddenly they have to share him with you. Rarely, a couple is so focused on their marriage through this honeymoon period that they might tip the scale of time in their directions. Try to remember to include the step-children as much as possible without sacrificing the necessary privacy and needs of a new marriage.
- “You broke up my parents’ marriage” Whether you were involved during the parents’ marriage or not, this is often muttered by frustrated stepchildren who are still adjusting to the reality that not only is their parents’ marriage over but now their father is remarried and they have a new family and life. Remember that this isn’t as much of a stab at you and your morality as it is a reflection on their feelings of trauma over the divorce. A simple statement such as “I know you are sad about your parents divorce. It is hard having your parents split up,” will be enough for most kids. If an older child truly feels resentment toward you for being the catalyst in his parents’ divorce, it isn’t inappropriate to explain that there is never one thing alone that ends a marriage and never one person alone who is at fault, and leave it at that. It is inappropriate to share details with children about adult situations leading up to divorce, no matter what the situation was.
Most stepmoms likely won’t encounter each one of these ten thoughts or statements! But if you are considering remarrying or are newly remarried, it is safe to expect at least some of them and better to be prepared for them so when they hit you, it isn’t like a ton of bricks! Being prepared goes a long way toward smoothing the blended family transition.