CamomileTea's comments

Narcissism-Symptoms and Treatment (1)

20 Apr 2009 06:51 AM

Thank you Beth.

Tricky though that I am living at home with NF and long-suffering and now abusive mother (her revenge for living with NF). Each day since learning what N really is and identifying this odd behaviour that nobody ever witnessed is a very real and scientifically acknowledged disorder. I am waiting for counselling to commence which is the first I speak to a professional face to face about this. Each day however is really a day at a time whilst I am living here. I willbe cruel to be kind (to myself). Thank you.

Narcissism-Symptoms and Treatment (1)

20 Mar 2009 01:09 PM

I am a very recent awakened soul. I have in the last 6 months come face to face with my secret life as an abused daughter. The emotions change from utter rage to raw numbness. My body can't cope with the actual severity of pain, resentment and loss of my existence. I have spent it being manipulated and moulded like dough to accommodate father's needs. I have seen and only now beginning to understand why my siblings never went anywhere near him. I always thought they were icy cold ungrateful children who are where they are in life because of the help of my father. But of course, as has been heard among our family, he only provided money for education. That is all he was there for. To provide financial support for education. No wonder none of us can bear his presence for a mere few moments. And there I was being angry and expressing it towards my siblings.

This is truly a double-eged sword. I have on one hand been acutely aware of what I have been subjected to. Youngest of 6, but 'the one'. Yet on the other hand couldn't bear to admit the truth of what has been a 30 year ordeal (I'm 37, father is 79). That made me 21 to his 62 years. To confront the reality (as has been the case for the last 6 months) has been emotionally demanding, heavy and enlightening. Then comes along absolute inner rage and anger and hurt, pain, absolute hatred for father. Suddenly memories I trained myself to bury are resurfacing, even today I am rethinking times when I exchanged the most extraordinary dialogue that nobody will tolerate let alone bother to give oxygen in response. The problem I did was respond. I responded. Then again he groomed me as a weak sufferable animal.

Oh how good he was blinding me. He groomed me so brilliantly. He knew precisely what he was doing. I had even seen him shout and belittle people; He despised and offended highly intelligent peers. And what did I do? Defend him. I was his defender, his martyr, his mother. The problem today is that I now live with this weak pathetic abusive child-man. I in fact do so because my parents are not really able to cope otherwise - I take on the paperwork - Power of Attorney-type responsibilities - Thus leaving 5 siblings the absolute gold-lined luxury of not ever feeling the slightest tiniest sense of guilt, duty or sense of it is their problem. He abused my mother for 35 years of her beautiful life. It is understandable that she has for the past 25 years dominated, controlled, bullied him. She has absolute power over him. I hate seeing this. I am the referee, I end up defending father. And he loves it. I am now defending him further. SCREAM!!!!!!! My mother's life destroyed, further destroyed by spending it in further pain. She has no other way to deal with her lost existence. Her life was killed when she met my father. Now she is spending it killing him, as she has no energy to love herself. I feel sick, angry and enraged. I breathe when I am away or go through a day avoiding him. But it takes a simple innocent request or comment that has the capacity to drag me well down, nail me, remind me who I am and where I am supposed to be. It looks like he is destined to live till his 100th year - what punishment. He loves to decide when he has dementia - he pretends to act like he has Alzheimer's with me, and complete utter strangers. It gets him attention. Funny how he behaves like a competent individual with others. He flits through one mental persona to the other so easily. He lies every day of his life, so it is impossible to know when he is in genuine pain.

Recently I've been denying him attention, interested to see this 78 year old razor sharp dictator's response who loves to play deaf (when he chooses), stupid, child-like vulnerable old frail man. He is hating it. Absolutely hating my responses. He's actually remarkably astute. He will prolong eye contact or turn his head trying to intimidate me, sensing a change - a vital slight change in my normal responses to him. Now that I have the support of these online resources, I can demonstrate to him that I am not his plaything. He has destroyed me. He subtracted a large portion of my existence. I could have been married, with a job and children by now. I have never grown up. I always wondered why. Now I know. I am eager to make the most of the remainder of my life and embrace the life I was given, like a baby's first yell in this world. I will track down happiness.

Defending Yourself against the Aging Narcissist (2)

18 Mar 2009 07:14 PM

Good grief. Dr McHugh. Think 1950s sci-fi B movie. I imagine you in a black suit with notebook, pen and ruler in hand, inside a glass bubble that shrinks to a pinhole and you are travelling through the minds of the victim and the abuser, scribbling notes. Then you write about it when they bring you back to normal size. I am amused, shaking, red-eyed and enlightened to read your articles. And I carry a hope, as this is the most profound phase in my life, as I have exposed myself to so much research on the amazing world wide web. I owe the creators so much, too much. I keep thinking nobody is in my position but there you go covering every facet, and I mean every murky facet that cripples and entangles the 'victim'. You can get across an entire lifetime in a single word or sentence. I thought I knew how to deal with this, it's most odd that I identified so many 'symptoms' and traits and dynamics. I figured out for myself why am I not like the other siblings, other women my age. It's obvious. Though nothing can warn me to feel as raw as reading so much insight and realization that this awful familial situation is so common. And in fact there is nothing wrong with me. I then question is there something inherently abnormal with my 5 siblings who 'got away' with freedom and lived fulfilling wholesome successful, social healthy lives? Are they bad people for failing to form healthy relations with both my parents in their adulthood? The average sibling will communicate with my parents once every year, in one case, a brother 500 miles away will see my parents once every 3 years. Yet has the audacity yo create a nasty rumour about me and my relationship with my parents. My two brothers in Australia live on planet Pluto and the dark reality of the family home is nothing but air they breathe and exhale. They have no insight at all about the reality and my situation. They don't want to know and are happy. I hope they are happy.

My situation is just as bad as everyone else's, though cripplingly compounded with sibling emotional abuse I have secretly suffered for 30+ years. Late last year I learned that my lovely siblings accused me of financial elder abuse which is why I stayed in the family home to care for aging narcisstic father and mother (whose life until her 50s was dominated by father). Round about the same time I was ready to open a lifetime of painful wounds, whilst at the same time starting to confront my reality reading about Narcissm, emotional incest, emotional sibling abuse.

I am thrown in a cesspool of dirty emotions that revolve around cutting off sibling contact forever (I have decided this would improve my wellbeing tenfold), though this won't effectively happen until my father dies (he is 79). And to my weary and bruised mind I embrace the idea that he no longer is around, yet the same time I cannot improve my circumstances as I am 'trapped' to care for him, and my mother who cannot otherwise live independently owing to language barriers, lack of business mind. In effect I operate as their Power of Attorney, but without actually having any such contract. My sister (my abuser and one year older than me) has the power but lives with blissful ignorance that she chooses to adopt. I have 5 siblings who are indeed despised by my father. Yet my siblings despise me for I have criticized above sister of not assisting me when help is needed. The burden in mine, all mine. My siblings initiated by above sister) then created a water-tight argument that I am mentally unstable. What they don't know is that they are the abnormal ones. I have never in my life shared a dialogue with them that demonstrates their compassion and whose attitude to me (and mental health issues) is prejudiced, hostile, unforgiving, shallow, alarming and insensitive.

I've no idea what kind of therapist I require to see, but I notice when I spend time away from the family home for long periods of time I function, breathe and feel normal. I wonder how I will feel when my father passes, as I envisage this to be within the next few years. Sadly his death will be an isolating experience as the closest (distance wise) siblings will have plenty of abusive comments to pass me, and I have no desire to speak with them at the time. I fear that my father's death will be dominated by their behavior, which will not be any different to when my father was previously ill. (They never communicated with me, asked me how I am, or thanked me for being there at their time in need, not one touch, smile, letter, call, nothing. Yet I am a suspect of financial control and fraud). I should point out that I do not touch a penny of my parent's money, and had a decade ago decided I won't accept any inheritance. My parent's money is meaningless to me. They have displayed damaging behavior all my life. It is important I grieve without their presence.

My father was orphaned at 3 months so in one aspect I understand his behavior and disorder. But then he chose to damage his 6 children and wife despite moving from a deprived country, living a new life, creating a successful practice in medicine. It's so sad that he left a trail of his poison throughout his entire life. I don't want to be around him when he is on his deathbed. His last words will be profound. I am saddened to admit I hope I am not there to hear or see. He will likely execute his poison all the way to his end.

How will I feel when he dies? My mind that is. The weight will be lifted, but how to deal with the void, the feelings of anger, resentment that I was his victim. I shall leave that until the time comes. This is what happens when your mind is all over the place. I've only just realized the extent of the damage.