ceallach's comments

Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother

18 Nov 2007 11:49 AM

I had written a blog on my struggle with my mom and a very nice commenter directed me to this page and boy am I glad she did. Beth, thank you for this article. I of course see my own mother in this article and in every other comment listed here. I learned about narcissistic personality disorder years ago when my pastor tried to help my mom. He also had a master's degree in psychology so I feel he knew what he was saying when he told me that she was suffering from depression and narcissistic personality disorder. He said that she essentially refused help from him. He advised me to set boundaries, decide what I could and could not handle. I did, and like others here, it's been a year and four months since I cut my mom out of my life. I grew up not knowing what was going on only that I could never make my mom happy. Her favorite form of emotional abuse was the silent treatment, which I'm sure others here are familiar with. Whenever I didn't make her happy she would just stop speaking to me. When she decided I suffered enough she would go back to acting normal, for her, and behave as if nothing had ever happened. I remember being as young as five and her refusing to speak to me, play with me, or even look at me. It was always so difficult to live with her. You never knew with her when she was going to blow her top and then you had days or weeks of the silent treatment. When I was 12 she told me that MY purpose in life was to love her, be there for her, and make her happy. She didn't come to my wedding because she said, I hurt her feelings because I was putting my wedding before her. One year and four months ago, when my daughter was just 10 months old, she got mad at me because I wouldn't come to her house and clean out raw sewage that had seeped into her basement. After that silent treatment I told her that I was done. I had warned her after my wedding that the next silent treatment would be permanent. As of today she is still refusing to apologize to me, I told her an apology would be required to get back into my family's life. She recently told my dad that, "I always apologized to my mother. I am not apologizing to her." She's never in her life apologized or even admitted wrong in anything. (Yes her mother, my grandmother was emotionally abusive and may have had the same disorder.)

Now as a mom I am struggling to do things better. I'm not perfect but it is hard to be a mom when you didn't really have a mom. I've read books and lean on trusted parents/friends I know to learn a different way of doing things. With my mom out of my life my own personality is changing. I am more outgoing, friendly, and well joyful. I do miss my mom and really would love a real relationship with her. I have already come to the conclusion this is unlikely. But I do have a sense of peace in that I am protecting my marriage and my daughter from her.

If you write more articles on this I would love to read them. Thank you for the article and thanks to all the previous posters. It is a help to know I'm not alone. Ceallach