cici2003's comments

The experience of losing a parent - Blog Entry

23 Oct 2008 08:46 AM

I love this article. My mom died when I was 14 of Wilson's Disease. My parents were divorced and my dad had custody of me. I guess I always knew she was sick but it didn't make sense to me that she could die. I was a freshman in high school. The last day I saw her awake was the day after Christmas. She weighed 90 lbs and has severe jaudice to the extent that she looked like an alien to me. I was scared of her when she was in ICU. I decided not to be there when they took her off life support. My aunt told me that as she took her last breaths she stared at my picture sitting on the table beside her bed. That was almost 9 years ago. I feel so guilty that I wasn't there. I wish I wasn't scared of her just because of the machines on her. How could I not be there for her? I was her only child! I'm 23 now and it seems as though I'm taking her death harder now than I ever did. I feel like I need her right now all the time. I don't think I even cried at the funeral because I was in shock. It was a sick, confusing feeling that has lasted all these years. I gave up on my grades in school, I had a few wild moments after high school, I'm a hypochondriac worrywart, and I still feel as lost as I did the day she died. I worry myself sick that something is going to happen to my dad or my fiance' and it's devastating to my well being. I can't sleep at night, I feel sick all the time due to worrying about my loved ones, and I myself cannot deal with the fact that I will die one day. Are these things normal, or is it due to losing my mother at 14? I have to find a way to get past some of this anxiety. I will be getting married soon and if I keep going the way I am, I'm scared I will have a break down at the wedding I used to describe to my mom when I was a little girl. My life is consumed by the death of my mother and I don't even know how to grieve it 9 years later. Am I crazy? Thank you to everyone that has shared their stories. I know exactly how all of you feel.