CyclothymicChic's comments

More on Bipolar Disorder - Blog Entry

13 Dec 2008 04:01 AM

speaking of constant talking being a bi-polar thing.... xD sorry

More on Bipolar Disorder - Blog Entry

13 Dec 2008 04:01 AM

My father is Bi Polar (bp 1) and i was diagnosed with magor depressive disorder at 13. I've since been on varying doses of zoloft ever since, something i HAD TO HAVE just to merely function as a normal individual. The depressions evened out somewhat as i got older, and my diagnoses has been revised recently to Cyclothymic Personality Disorder. While I am fortunate enough to feel I'm able to walk the tightrope between my disorder and normalcy, it can still be very difficult at times. I still get the ups and downs despite my medication, though only to a lesser degree. It helps if you scrutinise your feelings and pay A LOT of attention to yourself- then its easier to deal with the depressions. Myself, I know i do more detailed work on my silversmithing, and writing when depressed. Also, i KNOW it WILL PASS. The worst depressions, no matter how long they last, I always know that eventually it will pass, and I'll move into my high functioning, perfectly capable stage. I dont go manic (sadly, lol) but when i am 'up' things dont upset me so much, I'm generally happy, and i can do a lot of work quickly. my projects get done, and the first sign that I'm going up? I spring clean the house! Still, even with personally being able to slot my problems into the "just the disorder" folder and shelve it, its difficult when I open my eyes in the morning, and wish i hadnt woken up. When my heart feels so heavy that its goign to fall out of my rib cage, and all i'm doing is getting dressed for the day, and nothing has gone wrong, its hard to shelve it. I have a job that I'm able to keep- but its only part time. I cannot deal with full time. I end off having anxiety attacks, and goign into magor depression. Im fortunate- my employer frequently offers me extra hours, and stints of full time (which i take, and can deal with in short bursts) but he doesnt need me full time. Since going on contraceptives, my medication isnt so effective. I am having a mental health review, but untill then, i just have to ride my own personal roller coaster. I heard someone say once, "for bi polar people, normal is a place you visit sometimes but never get to stay long." and its so true. I'm a lucky one!! I get to visit normal for quite long periods of time! Most of the time, I can serve as the translator between 'normal' people, and those with a disorder, because i understand both.

Still, with all of this, its still hard to deal with. Its as good as I am ever going to get. I will never be normal. The psychologist at the mental health unit has told me there is nothing more they can do for me- I already have all the 'methods' in use. I fear having children, because i fear being too unstable to provide them the stability they need. To add to it- my husband has aspergers disorder!! Fortunately, like me, he doesnt have the worst version of it, just a touch. He was able to complete university on a full time basis, and is currently job hunting, nonetheless, his disorder shows when learning how to interact in a culture he's unfamiliar with. Taking advice from a wife is different to from a teacher, and me with my mood swings... sometimes I just need him to understand without my having to put it into words. I cope by shelving it- but for him i need to bring the book out and show him the full colour illustrations. AND STILL! I'm a lucky one, because he adores me, and he works so hard to both defeat his disorder (which will never be gone) and learn how to live. Our life, and relationship is hard, but compared to those with these full blown disorders, our existence is a walk in the park. No one knows what its like to be depressed, TRULY depressed, untill hey have been there. To look in the mirror and utterly -despise- what you see... to despise yourself, and not tell anyone, because its -not- about attention. This is what people dont understand... I forget why i began such an indepth chatter xD but i suppose i mean to say, I wish people could understand more.. I wish others could see people with disorders through my eyes, or those like me- I get to see from both sides of the looking glass so to speak. Here's to more articles that help to explain to 'normal' people how it is for those of us who just WISH we were normal...