Freebird68's commentsComments On: EverythingArticles Blogs Journals Photos created by: EveryoneFreebird68 Dealing with a Narcissistic Family Member - Blog Entry20 Aug 2008 05:26 PM Hi Beth, thanks for your swift reply. I say "loosely Aspergers" ,as his school, a child psychologist and my doctor all believe he has it, but he's never actually been seen! The school approached me saying something was wrong (I had noticed), and that they believed it was Aspergers. I answered the questions they asked me about him, and he was diagnosed! Same with the Doctor and psychologist. His behavior is as follows: Rarely wishes to be included in activites; tactless; takes things literally;cannot make or keep friends; inability to read others body language;unaware of unwritten rules;doesn't lie, or understand why others do; very agile but..... still can't master a knife and fork, and didn't learn to ride a bike 'til he was 8, and then not very well, and is still not able to tie his laces very well.(He could walk at 10 months!) He's obsessed with computer games; can be aloof and speaks his mind aloud, despite the fact he's upset quite a few people doing this. There are other symptoms too, but getting back to NPD; my son can be verbally spiteful, and is very superior. He mocks others achievements, and trys to belittle me at times. I'm not totally sure he realises what he's doing, though some of my family think he does. This NPD type behaviour is recent though. In general, he tend to rub other kids up the wrong way, and consequently is bullied alot. I really am at a loss what to do as I know SOMETHING'S wrong, but not quite what. This is why I went to my Doctor; to see if I could get him diagnosed, because whatever he's got, i need to know how to deal with him, as I may currently be doing more damage than good. Having said all that, I wouldn't say he was a deliberately naughty child. You mentioned self-absorption, and circumstances during his development; well his father is an alcoholic who has verbally abused my son, and sorely neglected and sometimes completely ignored him throughout his life. I successfully obtained a restraining order last year to gain some sense of consistency in our lives. His grandmother has NPD and that leaves him with me! I've stopped both of them from having contact with him, but i'm worried that the damage has been done. The only advice i've had so far was from my Doctor, who when I told her the school had said he probably had Aspergers, just told me that I must never shout at him, because 'they' couldn't handle it!!! Please help me!!! Dealing with a Narcissistic Family Member - Blog Entry19 Aug 2008 06:07 PM Hi Beth, I've written to you already in another blog about my narcissistic mother, and also of the affect she's had on my 11year old son. I've been concerned for him lately, and after reading Rosems blog, and your reply, I had to ask your advice. My son has previously been loosely diagnosed with very mild Aspergers, but lately his behaviour has led me to wonder if he is becoming narcissistic, as I am aware that it is possibly inherited/genetic. He's become very smug, superior and condescending; behaviour he's never exhibited before. He's spent time with my narcissistic elder brother lately, and i've wondered too if it could just be his influence rubbing off. My son appears to have no understanding of how his behaviour affects others, and more to the point, doesn't seem to care! He is extremely bright, and got the highest grades in his year at school last month. My son's been trying to manipulate me lately too. I've spoken to my Doctor, who thinks it may just be puberty, and a healthy dose of 'typical male behaviour'! He's advised I wait 6 months, and then go for family counceling if things haven't improved. I am more than aware that I may be paranoid, albeit justifiably. I noticed that on your reply to Rosem that you said it's not possible to have Aspergers and NPD together and I wondered if you could please explain to me why this is? Also, what do you think about my sons behaviour from what i've said? Thankyou again Beth. Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry22 Jun 2008 06:10 PM Thankyou Beth. I think i've already grieved for the mother I never had; the problem that I had was the guilt felt over the way I was dealing with her, ie, having little or nothing to do with her. Now I am positive I can't change her, or make her understand what she's done, I can accept that, and can move on and feel no guilt, knowing no matter what i'd done, it would never have been enough. I also realise that at 68 her behaviour is deteriorating, and understand she would have got worse. I think I actually feel relieved! I will certainly contact you in the future should I feel I need to, and will keep you posted if she reacts to my decision of supervised contact with my son, which I think she will. This could well be the final piece of my jigsaw! Thank you so much. Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry22 Jun 2008 09:21 AM Hi Beth, thanks for your reply. I've had a few days for all this to sink in, and i think i'm relieved that there IS something wrong with her; that she's not just pure evil; that i'm not imagining it, and it's not my fault. I can see the bigger picture so much more clearly, and this has just strengthened my resolve not to let her do more damage to any of us. I'm more than prepared for the consequences of my decision. Thanks for your help and advice, and also this enlightening site! Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry22 Jun 2008 09:21 AM Hi Beth, thanks for your reply. I've had a few days for all this to sink in, and i think i'm relieved that there IS something wrong with her; that she's not just pure evil; that i'm not imagining it, and it's not my fault. I can see the bigger picture so much more clearly, and this has just strengthened my resolve not to let her do more damage to any of us. I'm more than prepared for the consequences of my decision. Thanks for your help and advice, and also this enlightening site! Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry16 Jun 2008 04:43 PM Hi Beth, thanks for your swift reply. Yes my son does enjoy being with his gran, because she lavishes attention on him, albeit conditional, usually trying to highlight my inadequecies as a mother. This is actually aimed at my 16 year old daughter, who is very perceptive, and has had nothing to do with my mother for 4 years. My mother virtually ignored my son until my daughter refused to be controlled by her. (My daughter realised what my mother was like at 12. I was in my late 30's before I did!!) The problem is also that my childrens father is an alcohol and substance abuser, who doesnt wish to see them, but even if he did, is prevented by a restraining order. My mother abuses this fact, and uses it against all of us. My son is lonely, and craves the attention she gives him, which is why I havent stopped her seeing him before (and didn't she know it!). However in the last week she has told him personal information about mine and his fathers past, encouraged him to contact his father because she knows better than the court, and when i called her to ask why she keeps doing this to me, she put me on speakerphone on front of my son, and deliberately led (I now realise) the conversation to subjects an 11 year old shouldnt know about. I had enough trouble trying to explain his fathers behaviour to him, without this. He will think it's normal to have a personality disorder. I must admit that i looked at your site for the first time today and was so relieved to realise that theres a reason behind her evil behaviour. I can also see how i ended up marrying an alcoholic. I hate her, and dont feel much guilt now, but my son is asking questions i can't answer, because the truth sounds so far fetched: Granny lies, manipulates, hurts people deliberately, etc. I don't know. Maybe he's more resilient than i think. My elder brother suffers from npd too. Strange thing is , I knew this several years ago, and never realised she had it also. Guess i'm still getting my head around the enormity of the influence i've just realised she's had on my life, and the consequences of this. I'm very grateful for this site. Thankyou. Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry16 Jun 2008 01:21 PM Can you please help me to explain to my 11year old son the fact his grandmother suffers from npd. Ive had to stop him seeing her unsupervised , as she constantly uses and manipulates him, even trying to get him to lie to me. I will not allow her to do to him what she did to me. I dont know what to say to him, or how to start, especially as i've only realised recently that she has npd, and am still coming to terms with it myself. I'm worried that if I don't deal with this properly, i'll do more damage than good. |
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