frequentflyer's comments

Coping with an adult with Asperger's (4)

07 Sep 2007 10:11 AM

Hi Beth,

I've just found your blog(s) and have been greatly helped by reading them. Eight years ago I got into correspondence with a lovely man living in the US (I'm in the UK). We were both married and the relationship was purely on the basis of our mutual interests and both partners knew of our correspondence. He was witty and friendly and a good communicator.

Five years ago his wife came out as a lesbian after a 15 year relationship with him! I did my best to be supportive and helpful. He came to stay with my family then went back to face seperation and divorce.

Ironically, we discovered that we had feelings for each other and we met up in the US..at the time he expressed the thought that he couldn't envisage another physical relationship and we both felt confused by our feelings.

I've told him that our friendship is important to both of us and I will have that on whatever basis he feels comfortable with.

Since then I have visited several times with a friend for our holiday. My husband loathes long haul flights and indeed our relationship has not been more than that of friends for sometime. My children are grown up and, at some point, I intend to make a life by myself.

I have often felt confused by my friend's behaviour. He went to a counsellor after the seperation and she suggested that he might have the Highly Sensitive Personality. Certainly he fitted into the mould - hugely overwhelmed by sensations etc.

He has a very high IQ, is imaginative, a great writer and has an incredible depth of knowledge about many subjects.

However, she also mentioned Asbergers. Since reading your blogs, I am convinced that he is in this spectrum. He is thoughtless and unable to 'read' people etc. He is empathic to some extent but I understand a criticism of him from others is his tendancy to be rude and unwilling to make an effort with friendships. On the whole he seems to make an effort with me.

Incidentally, he won't tell me why but the counsellor, who he really liked (who was chosen by him in the first instance because she was a lesbian) took hoim off her books after about 18 months.

He will refuse to discuss things sometimes saying that he is empty of words.

So, he has lost his wife and is about to be given a buyout/redundancy from his high status job at the age of 60 years. He has not saved money and has no home other than one rented and I'm at my wits end as how to best support him.

I hope to be seeing him in October (I'm going to visit him but he might have decided to go off travelling!) and would welcome any advice or comments.

I'm in my late 50's. I am not in need of another child. I'm not looking for emotional involvement because I'm deprived of it and I'm not looking to be a 'do gooder'..I have a professional background, am involved at a senior level in work and have a loving family.

I've just fallen in love with, I believe, to be a man with Asbergers. A man who I would like to help cope with all that has befallen him. He does, on occasion, tell me that he loves me and sees nothing odd about thinking that he might not be in town when I arrive even though he wanted me to visit again!

Advice and comment would be gratefully received.