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18 May 2006 07:01 PM Is there really a single parent who understands?Why is it that when someone says "It's hard to be single or a single parent", the first thing people think is that you are looking for a man? In my case, I am not looking for a man. I have been a single mom for 20 years, (I am not saying that, once things get right for me, that it would not be nice to have man.) But a man is not the answer to my situation. I have 2 sons (20 and 14.) Like I said; I have been a single parent for 20 years, I have dated on occassion, but when the relationship ended; I was still a single mom, and the few men that I did date never helped me pay a bill. What I am saying is that when you are a single parent, it's not about getting a mate, it's about this: It's up to you to pay the bills, it's up to you to be mother father, doctor,volounteer parent, parent to drive the child to the hospital in the middle of the night with the car on empty, it's about you sitting there comforting the child, being there for his surgery. It's about working 2 and 3 jobs to make it, and still not having enough. In my case ( and I can only speak for me, because I know what I have been through.) It's about the fact that I had no one, I had no family, the boys father ran out and made it clear that he did not want to be around. We are and have always been invovled in church, but every one I knew at this one church was married or had a partner, and they even told me themselves that they had no idea what it was like, and they were glad they were not single parents. It's hard when you work and work, and just when you think that things are going to get better, something happens and you end up in the hole again. I don't want it to sound like I 'm angry, because I'm not, I have been blessed with my boys, they have been there to give me hugs and support me when they knew I needed it, they were such wonderful little boys and now they are turning out to be very Godly men. I have always wanted to be a mom, and I have been and am a good one. This is what makes me upset: Everything is geered towards hooking up with someone. I went online to try and find like an online support group for singles, thinking that maybe I can find someone who knows what it is like. While I did find some good ones, I really had to search, because so much stuff came up about dating, and then when I thought okay I can watch my favorite Minister on TV, her subject was geered toward singles, but it was preparing you to meet your match. I JUST STARTED CRYING. I am still a single mom; and my life is a mess; I had surgery at the end of 2002 and I was out of work until 2005; I went back to work part-time, but then at the end of 2005 I was fired because my boss was getting rid of part time people, everything again completly fell apart, I ended up losing my phone, cable and internet. They are all turned back on. I thought, Well Lord, I can still get to church and my bible study, then my car got reppossed. That's where I am today, I was doing pretty good with trying to keep up a happy face, and then when I needed someone to pray with me and talk to me, and found all this other stuff, I just cried out and said: "How can I date someone when my life is a mess?" I am not looking to date or couple up, I am looking for someone who can understand. I need someone to pray with me about the fact that my light bill is due monday, and if I don't have it my lights will be shut off tuesday, I will have the money, but I won't have it until the 3rd of next month, is dating going to help me with that? I am clearly looking for someone who understands, I am not a mean person, I am not feeling sorry for myself, I just really need someone to talk to. I do get lonely and think that it would be nice to go to dinner and just take my mind off of things for a little while, but i don't want to have to go through this whole process to do it. I do like being single because I have really found out how strong I am and can be, I have found myself, and it has hepled me to know what I will and will not put up with. That's all I wanted to say on the subject, and I guess i really needed to get that off my chest. Amen  Carson Hopkins (790) 18 May 2006 07:39 PMHi godschild, how has your search for new employment gone? Do you have any prospects?  MichaelHeart (346) 19 May 2006 07:16 PMDear Single Parent, You are right, life is geared towards meeting new people, life is geared towards expanding our knowledge, life is geared towards long-term relationships, and yes life is geared towards marriage! That is absolutely the meaning of life. We are born, we are loved, raised, educated, and then we become adults. We date, we experience life, we get married, we have children of our own, and then the cycle repeats itself. Though I have just described the simplicity of life, each of us, every one of us gets to choose. We get to choose our own specific path. We can choose to go left. We can choose to go right. We can choose to go forward. We can choose to go backwards. We can even choose to remain motionless. But WE get to choose. We decide what we get. We decide how we achieve our goals. We decide what dreams we pursue. We decide how we feel about ourselves. We decide to run and hide or we decide to stand up for what we believe in and face the world. We decide to let the world run right over us or we decide to be the engineer and drive the train. We decide to feel sorry for ourselves or we decide to fight for what we want. We decide to allow others to run our life or we decide to take the bull by the horns and run our own life. We decide when we feel helpless just as we decide when to be the hero. We decide to be a victim or we decide to be responsible and to be held accountable for our decisions, but WE decide. While it is sad that you do not have any help, it’s still your choice. Life isn’t easy. Life is what we make of it. No one is going to hand you happiness. If you want happiness, go and get it, but go and get it with determination, with pride, and with a well conceived plan. Don’t expect that happiness is handed out to us. We all have had good and bad experiences in our lives. We have all suffered pain, heartache, grief, lost love, sick children, frustration, anger, peer pressure, hormonal changes, and yes even financial difficulty. When the world has handed us lemons we either make lemon-aide or we throw out the lemon because we don’t like the taste. Either way, it’s always our choice to make. Sometimes life isn’t easy and yes sometimes a good cry helps to empty the hurt and frustration that we feel inside. Always remember, that we cannot rid ourselves of unhappiness just because we want to, it takes planning, dedication, commitment, and action to accomplish any goal. It’s hard work but the results are well worth the effort! In the end, life is always what we make of it, especially when we are single! God Bless You and Yours, Michael Heart  mcmama (51983) 24 May 2006 10:51 AMI am at an age where "moving on" has not meant finding a new husband. I have found a local support group of men and women whose divorces involved a particular type of infidelity. There have been a few matches from that group, and we rejoice when they happen, but that is not the emphasis. We get together, share our stories, our perspectives, and we have a good time. The perspective of these people helps tremendously. Because of the limitations imposed on me for custody sharing, I haven't been able to truly "move on" yet in terms of it being safe to pursue anything with a man, and time is fleeting for that to be an option. Most guys prefer younger women, with good reason. But as my kids grow up, we are moving forward. I really can't date or go looking to introduce a new person into an intimate relationship when as you say, life is messed up. Also, I just don't have the energy for it. Raising the kids and supporting them through their recovery has been plenty for me to focus on. The financial pressure is unrelenting. My suggestion is to find a network of friends who have something in common, whether it is single parenting, divorce, or single people who enjoy a particular activity like hiking, dinner, line dancing, folk music, whatever floats your boat. It isn't about dating it's about getting out and moving on with life in general. When my mom was widowed at 50, raising two teens, she kept the best of her old friends, but a lot of the couples she and my dad had socialized with sort of faded away. She had a new circle of friends, some of them couples, but all with common interests and connections where she fit at that point in her life. Some people tried to hook her up with dates, but she just wasn't interested. It was just a new part of her life, and she got some understanding from other parents, single and married. Discuss this article
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