Grizelda's comments

Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother

28 Feb 2009 10:36 PM

Oh mercy I made SO many typos. My son has one eye with limited vision (20/100) and his other eye is fake. And I should have said my CLOSET was packed full with coats so the mailbag would have been a pain to get to everyday. And her longterm policies pay $3000 PER MONTH (which is what she said we could use to pay for the house we'd all share.) She gets that now w/her fake diagnosis of "dementia" even though her memory's fantastic! (better than mine and she's 80 and I'm 53)

And finally the first part of the quote in my last paragraph should have been: "No, you have NO 'legal' obligation..."

Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother

28 Feb 2009 10:16 PM

I am so touched and strengthened by your stories, selfresponsible, Helenelle, Lovedogs, and EVERYONE who's shared -- and I'll be grateful FOREVER for the brilliant advice you've given, Beth! (On another of your threads I talked about my situation.) I had the idea that I would send a letter to my N-mom telling her that I need "boundaries" and "limits" because she threw tantrums every time I refused to do whatever she demanded - and I couldn't take it anymore. I told her she could come have dinner at my house once a month (instead of once a week as in the past) and if she wanted me to do something else for, I would write it down, and in 24 hours or less, I'd give her my answer - or my suggestion for an alternative way for whatever it was to get accomplish. She had escalated into asking me to go buy stamps for her, go make copies at Kinkos (when her assisted living place had a copier for everyone to use ! - she didn't want anyone to see what she was copying) - take her to the beauty parlor weekly (so she could have her hair done twice because the AL would only do it once), take her shopping (though the AL took theme very week), take her to all her doctors' appointments (though the AL provided that as part of her rent! some of the other daughters took their moms to doctors visits so she didn't want to be embarrassed by asking) -- oh I could go on all the livelong day.

Here's one example of one of our biggest recent fights -- she bought a colorful "mail bag" she demanded that I hang in my closet to keep her mail (she has most of her mail sent to my house because she doesn't want the AL workers to see what kind of mail she gets!) Anyway, my coats are jammed full with coats and I told her I wanted to use a private shelf in my house to put her mail on instead. She ranted and railed -- I stood firm though it was very difficult - then she cut off communication with me for 6 weeks, opened new bank accounts and closed all the old ones where she'd put me as a joint user (which I'd never wanted in the first place), rented a box at the post office. Well, finally she relented - though she never apologized - and then, I had the new "duty" of checking her post office box at least weekly and saving her mail for her! (another errand - even though I'm homeschooling a disabled child and can't leave him alone - so I've had to drag him along to all errands.)

Also, she's been resentful (well, she hates my guts!) because of what happened 6 years ago: She sent me a letter telling me I had to sell my house and get a larger one so she could move in - then I was to lie to her two longterm care insurance companies (one policy of which she'd only held for 1 year) -- anyway, she said I had to tell them I bathed her and fed her so we could defraud the companies together and get the $3000 payment sent to us (to pay for this new house I was to buy for her and my family - hubby + 2 sons.) She's perfectly healthy btw. Anyhow, I said no -- got the silent treatment for 6 months! and then she finally decided she's talk to me again -- but ever since, the seething resentment is HORRID! She reminds me so much of the little girl in the Exorcist when the devil was in control of her -- my whole family can mimic the venomous sound she makes when she's talking about the many people she despises, me most of all since all these refusals of mine.

Anyway, I sent the letter with the limits, and she wrote back demanding that I return the $10,000 of my stepfather's life insurance proceeds that she got in 1991 -- and my hubby and I both CLEARLY remember that she repeatedly told us it was a gift! (she got $150,000 and my first child was just turned 2 at the time.) Well, my husband wrote her a check for $1000 and wrote on the check that it was the first payment on the $10,000). That was a mistake but she was also claiming she'd given us $20,000 more that we have NO RECOLLECTION OF WHATSOEVER!!! and he was afraid she'd demand more.

He probably shouldn't have done that -- she lied and finagled the insurance company into paying her assisted living by lying to a doctor till the dr. gave her a diagnosis of "dementia" -- yet she's learned how to play contract bridge since this happened and twice a week, attends organized bridge games !!! (another couple chaufferages she expects me to provide.)

Oh dear -- I needed to get some things off my chest and I could go on and on. Well one more and I'll try to stop -- a family reunion in 2005: she called me the night before and said she was taking hot dogs and what would I take? I told her I had a sheet cake mix and my younger (disabled) son and I would make that and take it, which we did. When I got there, she had bought a cake herself and had it already sliced and put on saucers which she was forcing everyone to take, bragging that it was the best strawberry cake ever. We got there later - so everybody already had her cake which she'd pressed on them. She gave me a little smug glare at one point that I will NEVER FORGET to my dying day. What hurts me most is my 12 year old disabled son (he only has one eye and limited vision in the other - he was a micropreemie) had helped make that cake and was proud of it!

Whew I feel better and I'm sorry if I've bored you. I wanted to tell the last poster what I found out: I got this from a post that I googled to find - you could probably find it too: "No, you have to 'legal' obligation towards your mother. A couple of people have mentioned power of attorney: power of attorney gives you the 'authority' to act for someone if you 'choose' to, not normally an affirmative obligation to do so. A 'legal guardianship', on the other hand, does create an obligation to take care of the person, but you don't mention that that's the case. Why does your brother think he has the right to force you to let your mother live with you?"

Escaping the Trap of the Narcissistic Mother

16 Feb 2009 01:06 PM

I finally did it! I wrote my mother to set out what I decided would be the "limits" or boundaries, and I explained that I could no longer drop everything and do her latest bidding, but I'd write down whatever her request was and get back to her the next day. Oh, and I even went farther than I originally planned to -- and told her that instead of every weekend, I'd invite her to my house once a month instead. Well, the first of these planned weekends was to be this past one, and she made other plans (invited her two siblings from out of town.) I honestly think she did it to make sure that *I* wasn't the one calling the shots -- and I'm anxiously awaiting her next move, but I wanted to comment on Doug's post.

I know EXACTLY how you feel when you say that you feel like you're doing something wrong. I KNEW Beth was right and the letter was a mistake -- yet it was part of that same syndrome. I would feel so horribly WRONG to just start acting distant and make excuses without EXPLAINING to her what the new "plan" was and that it was due to her throwing tantrums every time I even wanted to discuss an alternative to whatever she was ordering me to do.

I hope she'll do what she's always done when she "breaks up" with a lover or friend or even family member -- she writes them off and makes some extravagant break with her past and moves on, without a moment's pause. This time, though, will be harder because I'm an only child - and she'd also be breaking up with her two grandsons, who haven't really opposed her on anything yet so she still thinks they're grand (just wait till they say no about something though.)

Well, I'm babbling but I empathize so much with you, Doug. It's an uncomfortable weird feeling to feel like you've upset your mother and you don't know how you'll handle facing her wrath. Well, I don't know if that's how you feel -- but I'm dreading it so much. There were already so many snide comments about what a brat I was all my life, a hopeless mess, and I can't begin to imagine how much worse those comments will be after what I've done. Still, I'm hopeful that after the ice is broken and we get through the first re-connect one way or another, we'll be able to move forward, and I will find the gumption to stick to my "rules," as cold-hearted as they might seem to be to bystanders who don't know that the more I did for her, the more she took advantage of me, and was never grateful and never apologized to me once in her life, despite leaving fingernail marks on my face and legs constantly when I was little (from her rageful slaps when I wouldn't "get out from under" her.)

This is something I believe I had to do, but it's more mortifying than I expected it to be. As usual, I feel nobody really understands the tyranny she's had over me - I don't see how they could! Oh well, I have an appointment with a psychologist on Wed. but MAINLY I have you and all the posters here to thank for getting me out of my downward spiral of crying jags and sleepless nights when I'd tell her off and stand up to her again and again - but never had the courage to do it when she was actually there to listen!

Escaping the Trap of the Narcissistic Mother

19 Jan 2009 09:26 PM

Thank you so much for your advice, Beth, and I'm definitely going to give it careful consideration. I've got my heart set, though, on telling her what I want to do for her - and that I don't want to exceed that limit. I know it will make her angry - in fact, I think the fact that I'm being so calculating and cold with the "limit" (once a week, period) will be a continual burr in her side because it's, well, belittling I suppose. Also it takes her manipulative power away and puts the power in MY hands as to what I do with my life. However, I'm convinced I need a mantra, like "Once a week is all I can do, energy and stress-wise. Sorry but it has to be that way."

The problem I have had in the past is that I make resolution after resolution and then weaken when her call comes, without warning, asking for yet another frivolous errand or whatever. So I do what she says because I'm flummoxed or something, but fume fume fume, lay awake nights thinking of retorts I wish I'd used, and finally blow up at her when I can't take it anymore. I'm too slow and scared of her to quickly think of an excuse -- and the only excuse I have, usually, is that I'm home with my kids homeschooling, which is a very flexible thing - she knows I'm not going anywhere or having an appointment or busy at a workplace - she knows I'm always home and could finish the lessons later if I really wanted to.

Oh well, I've read enough of your blogs to truly KNOW that you're right -- and I'll re-read and re-read what you've said -- and IF I find the courage to go through with my plan, I'll let you know how it went! I also think that part of me wants her to get angry and stay angry - my happiest times are when she decides to "punish" me by not speaking to me for a while. I'd be in heaven if she wrote me off forever! And my husband and kids wouldn't care much - they tell me they feel uncomfortable when she's around too!

And you're absolutely right about what the "neighbors" say lol. I'm the odd (or maybe typical) person who's reclusive and has a fair amount of social phobia and I don't even WANT a lot of people in my life -- yet I hate to "lose face" or know by the looks they give me that she's been bad-mouthing me yet again. Isn't that ridiculous? It really IS true that logically, rationally, I do NOT care what they think -- I'm grateful to be let alone! I don't have any ambitions of being well-thought of in the community -- I just want to live my quiet life without being driving absolutely INSANE by a bullying mom who treats me like a chamber-maid she's irritated with. However, it's like a visceral, emotional "gut-reaction" to cower and feel dreadful when I get the disapproving looks or if one of the other older ladies chastises me for not coming to visit my mother more often. I guess what I really need to do is grow up, and even if I have to suffer slings and arrows, saving my own life and my other family relationships is worth it.

Escaping the Trap of the Narcissistic Mother

15 Jan 2009 11:43 PM

I've been reading your wonderful blogs for a few weeks, Beth, and everyone who's shared their stories, and Snowberry's question has inspired me to respond, though I feel a bit pushy just barging in, but here goes...

My mother has NPD, I believe, and I'm struggling with the question that Snowberry posed, "Do we have a moral obligation to take care of our elderly parents?" I don't think I'm as generous as I'm not sure I'd help a neighbor very much if she was rude or mean to me (though I admire that!) But in my mother's case, I'd like to think I'd do whatever she asked - IF it didn't ruin my life and hinder the happiness and health of myself and my family. With the help of your advice and fellow sufferers' stories, I'm going to try to set boundaries and limits and find the courage to just say No, but it's so hard!

Actually, I've been doing it but it's difficult because I haven't explained to her why I'm no longer compliant - and I haven't told her exactly WHAT limits I want to set. I've thought of telling her I'll see her once a week - or take her somewhere once a week - but not the three or four times a week she calls me to take her to a movie or a bridge game or frivolous shopping, etc. (she recently moved to my city to an assisted living place.) She's sort of storing up all these refusals of mine and using them to label me a recalcitrant stubborn [CENSORED], lots of snide comments and such, often in front of family and others, and that's hard to bear, but I'm determined to keep trying to make this situation tolerable.

Well, I've gone on far too long and I'm obviously not very good at explaining myself but one more point before I close this ramble - I think what I'm most afraid of is facing the other people that she's talked to and told what a worthless, neglectful daughter I am. It's embarrassing facing the director of the assisted-living place and the workers, etc. I live in the South and there's such an expectation on daughters to be doting self-sacrificing caretakers - but maybe it's just as true in the rest of the country. It's just mortifying.

Oh well, I guess there's no real answer to that problem, except that it takes a lot of COURAGE to stand your ground and reclaim (save?) your life. I wish everybody who's undertaking this challenge all the best! Perhaps it's a life-lesson that's important to learn no matter what your situation in life - you shouldn't worry about having the approval of other people in order to be at peace with yourself.