helenelle's comments

Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry

17 Jun 2009 03:44 AM

Hello again. I took an open 'holiday' from still dealing with the NMother, still giving her my energy even though I am supposedly long term detached... However, I heard yesterday, that mine finally (I had been waiting for this day..) died 2 weeks ago. And I thought again of this community.

I thought I would intoduce this aspect of things, as my thoughts often included passing moments, ideas, wondering and hopings around her eventual death.

I'd like to admit 2 early observations from here:

1. I expected not to care, in fact, to even be cagedly thrilled (- vindicated, released). In reality, I feel inordinately sad. Literally that. Not ANGRY, wailing, self righteous, caustic... just a single damp cow plop of uselessness, waste, loss, pointlessness, hopeless... Not particularly pleasant, nor yet again, of any bloomin' use!

2. This event has forced my wider family (with my half-sister carrying it out) into contact with me. (my mother has left me some items..). It is this contact that has hurt me a lot.

It has revealed something I have never (been able?) recognised before, that my whole family betrayed me over my mother. every one. One by one. not one of them stood up for me, once.

What I think I have done is bundled all that anger, pain and shame into one, because the family members acted in the one unified inevitable and unrelenting way, and have put the whole bundle against my mother (she caused it.. she was the root).

In that way my 'eyes' never saw the individual actions or impact of the others involved, and they kind of got away with something.

Please note, that nothing here takes away any of the responsibililty of my mother in our the relationship; I am NOT now minimising her behaviour.

What I think I am suggesting is that the whole of the pain we feel, may contain elements of unfair (to be simplistic, but all inclusive) treatment from other people within the family dysfunction. And that this part will not heal (or even improve) before we allocate it correctly in our own minds.

It will wait until something happens that forces clarity (the truth will out), and that brings back the 'original' upheaval(s) all over again.

To be faced eventually. Today.

Thats all I've managed so far. I think it relates to being abe to really get free of the NMother. We need to deal appropriately with any other 'players; in the same drama as well. Not just the stuff coming out of the mother.

All the very best, Helen.

Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry

07 Mar 2009 03:59 AM

A wave hello to everyone.

I came on-board to check for new posts, and saw the InterFlora advert for Mothers Day topping the comments. (at least in UK - sorry, not sure if the US is a different day and/or with different ads).

I actually clicked on it, as I wanted to be certain it wasn't a post-ironic joke, something with a crushing punchline on the inside. Sadly, no.

Since going no contact, I have always tried to keep my head down around this time, to avoid those innocent attempts at conversation with coworkers mostly, based on what I was going to be doing for mothers day. My fear of being shamed (bad daughter), inflaming my anger at ever and always being blamed. And silenced.

For me, M Day was waaaay more stressful than Christmas.

To top it off, every so often, Mothers Day even coincides with my birthday (not this year!), which which always 'taking it just too far...'.

After 19 of these, I had got into my own shrug of the thing, so rather unexpectedly today, having sort of ..tripped up into their ad, I noticed that all their pictures of flowers, and sentiments, had no meaning. I was just an odd anthropologist observing some pagan ritual from a remove. They were just pictures of bunches of flowers (and much better ones elsewhere at that!). Thanks Interflora, I guess.

So time heals then.

My favorite quote: The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. (Elie Wiesel)

I carry a residual level of anxiety though. A fear of normal people. A fear of their one-track outlook; the way they react to anyone who does not produce the pat, correct response. Fear of their project shame. Shame of my own hatred: of having to deal ...every year; so never really free.

So I'm still 'depressed' by the touch of it. Thanks Interflora, I guess.

Radiating solidarity, Helen.

Suicide: My Thoughts on One Case - Blog Entry

04 Mar 2009 02:03 AM

I was so pleased to read your own explanation of the Selfish word relating to suicide (the other favorite is Coward). I believe in neither.

As a cross-poster from the N mothers blog, alarm bells always ring for me when anyone flings out the use the word selfish, and usually in a knee jerk, reactionary sort of way.

I think it has become an acceptable response to suicide...to call the dead selfish, thus making it available for angry people to let off steam, after all, you can't slander the dead, so who gets hurt...?

The people who are truly grieving, thats who.

Basically, I now always interpret the Selfish word in this context as "I don't like what you have done; it has disturbed my world order, and I (at least temporarily) hate you for it. And I am (still) going to make you responsible for my feelings, even if you are now dead..."

I liked your blog about 'how to deal with a suicidal person', and thought point 3 in particular. was exact and 'perfect' advice. I do believe that suicides want desperately to find a reason to keep on living.

I can't see anyone finding that from the kind of person who needs to call a dead person a selfish coward.

I always choose to interpret 'no note', is the last attempt at kindness to loved ones; not to burden them with their (deep) pain.

Not to let them live their lives with a unresolvable 'shopping list' of all the specific (in reality nonspecific) things that 'could have prevented' the suicide.

... couldn't get a job (I should have asked John if he could have taken him on...) ...couldn't pay the mortgage (I should have offered...) ... couldn't stand the pain/loss/shame of... (I should have helped/talked/listened/vistited/offered/tried/..).

I interpret no note as taking full responsibility; as blaming themselves, NOT you. ( think: if I spent my last thoughts writing to tell you not to blame yoursel(ves).."...)

Equally, I do see how devastating it is for their children, in particular, left behind. No matter how old.

What they *NEED, Need, need...* is that note; that last tangible word, a last thought for them, as they face the rest of their life journey alone; unprotected, abandoned.

Anger is a natural stage of grief, but not its healthy endpoint. Those who are truly grieving tend to find it hard to express this (proper) anger.

In my opinion, those who can slap it about are not grieving.

Suiicide is always ..deeply, deeply Sad.

Anger doesn't help those who deserve our kind attention.

Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry

23 Feb 2009 01:34 PM

My thanks to all of you who have added your stories here; I have just drank all of them in, in one sitting, having been amazed to stumble on this site after all these years.... I wanted to offer a slice or two of my own experience which may serve some.

I have been openly dealing with my problems with my mother for years now, long before I knew about N or any internet blogs existed. I just ran out of any other option (that my brain could come up with), so that I was finally left with 'I'll just have to leave... (wot?!)'.

I did first try the rational 'lets start again as adults and see what friendship we might create from now, I'm an adult (and not your dependant/responsibillity anymore) approach. I instinctively felt this would not succeed; it would just give her another opening to 'kill', but felt I had to do this, so that I would not have to live on feeling (even more) guilty that I hadn't tried the one last thing I could think of. #

The catch was that 'if she did not want to then, okay, I would accept her choice, but then I would have to give up now, because I had nothing else left to suggest'... An ultimatum (- boy, I really didn't not know about N!) its true, but not one I wanted to 'play', it was just where I had got to: die (within); live (without).

To keep this shortest, that was that. Until her mother got cancer about a year later. She used leverage of my grandmother wanting to see me before she died, to get me to go to her house (where GM was), and... so I had to choose to do it all again, a couple of years later.

The deeper reason I accepted the bait, and ate it for 2 extra years, was to keep a link open with my sister. I knew I would lose her, along with mother. Slowly, during that intervening time, my relationship with her turned; mother played us off generally, but I have no specific evidence for that time. Only then could I decide to send Mother a polite, but brief note, wishing her well without me.

I got phone calls from her contacts/allies telling me to go back to her: "shes your mother" (oh, I wished...); "its christmas...". I am amazed now how calm I handled those in the earliest days, but, none of those people have contacted me again, after they failed to sway me. That will be 20 years ago later this year, and I have never regretted doing it, though, I have suffered all of the emotional conflicts and double damnations this promises adult children of N parents.

It is not easy, and I don't think there is a 'right way' forward; it really is a free, adult choice you come to make for yourself, in your way, your time, for your situation.

One thing I would say is, don't judge the 'rightness' of your decision by the strength or turmoil of either your feelings (that if you had done the right thing then surely your feelings would be serene now), or, her reaction (this is about you after all...!).

Moments of self doubt, guilt and sadness, loss are actually the starting of your ability to finally, freely let the true and rightful feelings come to the surface, and that I believe is the healthy healing process underway. Confusing, but the unavoidable, natural pathway to healing.

Namaste, Helen.

Like all the advice given here, I too say that each rela