Homayoun's comments

Dealing with a Narcissistic Family Member - Blog Entry

02 Aug 2008 04:01 AM

I have been trying to reach out to my very angry husband for over a year. I believe his mother has a narcissistic personality (from my own dealings with her), and my sense is that his anger at me may partly be fueled by his life-long frustrations from having a mother who says she loves him but does not really know him or support him. She seems more interested in preserving her reputation as a mother, and her desire to see her sons do well seems rooted in a desire to have their success in life reflect positively on her. She is happy when life is good for them, but biting and sarcastic when something goes wrong. Her narcissism is initially hard to detect, because she seems to love her sons. But that love is possessive. She has always blindly wanted them to live near her (she is in a rural area) and be with her for the holidays, even when it is clear that their careers and relationships would be damaged by doing so. Both sons have had some success defending their interests, but I have seen my husband sometimes get sucked in to her self-serving plans and then regret it later.

Until a year ago I thought our marriage was fine -- though I knew we were bogged down with young kids and career struggles. I would sometimes ask my husband if he had any problems with me, and he would say no - I felt like we didn't talk enough about the relationship, but it was his style to be silent. Then an unplanned pregnancy caused him to melt down. It turned out that he had been harboring so much resentment toward me - much of it justified, but also preventable. I feel like if I had had some feedback from him I could have easily changed my ways. Over the past year we have been trying to talk it out (well, I have been begging him to, as he has been contemplating divorce and we are now separated), and his list of grievances continues to grow. The main one is his feeling that I never loved him. He has a desire to be cared for by someone who just knows what he needs by powers of empathy and doesn't require that he spell out those needs. I was admittedly a bit dense about his point of view, but I feel like the requirements of new motherhood (and my own superheated desire to have children - a long story) distracted me as well. He didn't say much, but I could have tried harder to hear what he wasn't saying.

My question - is it common for children of narcissistic mothers to look for what was missing from their upbringing in their spouse? If so, is there a way for him to realize that his mother failed him more that I did? And that his expectation that I just know what he needs (like a good mother would) is unrealistic? I have absorbed so much anger from him but still love him and want him to move home. What helps keep me sane is the idea that some of that anger is really meant for his mother. I am writing, I think, to get some encouragement to keep going in this process. Thank you.