03 Apr 2008 06:00 AM

I'm such a brat sometimes...

Wow. Sometimes I really irritate myself. I guess I just get so irritable with all the migraines, then to top it off my own personality has to irritate me even more. After having a long spell (it has been two weeks now) I just get really sarcastic. I forget to think about how what I am saying will come off to other people. Well I do not actually forget. I actually hold almost all of it back, but still something seeps out no matter how hard I try to stop it. I am not downright rude or abusive, it is a subtle condescending undertone, that is kinda funny, but not if it is at your expense.

It just sucks, because I feel it happen after the fact and in my head there is a, "DOH!" And it is often quite subtle, so the person is left feeling kinda crappy, but they are not quite sure what happened or how to express it to me, then I usually have to point out my own brattiness, because the guilt just gets me.

I am so lucky that my fiance is so well adjusted and unaffected. He never even reacts at all, but that just makes me feel even worse about it, because I am thinking, "Did he notice that?" He certainly does not deserve any sarcasm from me. He never gives me a hard time and he certainly doesn't give me any headaches, and how can one human be so supportive? So I always go back after the fact and point it out and apologize; and he says that it never even bothered him, but I know that after a few years of marriage that will change.

It will be something like this, "You don;t know how to sterilize something without a dishwasher?" Instead I could have said, "You can make a sterilizing solution of 1 part bleach to eight parts water..." Why do I have to say it in a way that points out his ignorance? I hate it when people do that. I am not normally like this when I am feeling good. NOT AT ALL. Even after a few days of intense pain, I am still sweet. It is after a week of it, I just change and in my mind people becomes idiots for little momentary bursts and it comes out in my tone, no matter how hard I try to hide that I am feeling that way. I realize pretty quickly that I am the one who is the idiot . . . well maybe not an idiot, but lost in my own frustration, and that I do not like the person who just said what I just said.

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