I’m NOT attracted to my husband!

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    Today I told my husband I was not attracted to him. I said this very calmy after we were discussing hour our needs are not met.

    He was very hurt, and he does not show this side of him. I admit I have a problem being attracted to my husband. He does not take care of himself as I would like. I feel very guilty about feeling this way, but I can’t help it.

    Is this fixable? Did I do wrong? I hope I can work with this, and we can make our marrage work.

    I try to look my best for him. Am I a bad woman for feeling this way and telling him?




    I can’t say if you are right or wrong but I can say that you can’t always help how you feel. And feeling the way you do doesn’t make you bad- it makes you human.
    Not being attracted to someone who doesn’t take care of themself is natural. Likewise, feeling guilty about it is also natural.
    I can’t wait to read the responses to this because I’d like to know the answers to your questions too.


    to be a mother

    Things like this don’t happen over night. Likewise getting back together won’t happen over night either. It’s really important to be one with your spouse and this is what happens when you’re not. If you really love him and feel that the relationship is worth saving then you both can take appropriate steps to become one however it won’t be easy so if you’re not devoted to the relationship chances are you won’t stick it out. You need to take equal responsibility for letting the relationship drift apart. The point of the relationship is that you each take 50% if either or both of you are carrying 100% then the relationship isn’t worth having or isn’t a healthly relationship. If you waited this long to say anything about it then you lose the right to say anything. When it gets to the point that you aren’t attracted anymore that’s way too late to bring it up. You need to decide if your relationship is worth saving and if it is then you both need to make the corrections needed to save it. It doesn’t matter what the symptom is, the illness is that of a couple that isn’t one even if he turned into fabio tomorrow while you might be attracted to him but you still wouldn’t be one.



    Now my husband is giving me the silent treatment.
    Do I allow him this time to sulk? Do I write him a letter?



    Well I think he may need a little time to get over being hurt… I know it would take me more than a day to get over a bombshell like “I’m not attracted to you anymore.”

    What has changed in him or in you that makes him no longer attractive? You may need to work out that part first… Do you think changing whatever it is (him losing 20 lbs or getting hair replacement or whatever) will make a difference? If I was him, I would now forever doubt that you are attracted to me. No matter what you say or do from here on out…

    Then again, maybe he isn’t happy with the way he looks either. He may need your help to make a lifestyle change like dropping 100lbs or getting into shape. I don’t know, there’s probably a million facets to look at on this one… those are my thoughts…


    to be a mother

    My husband is good at the silent treatment. The only way to work it out is communication. If you truly love him and want the relationship to last you need to tell him just that. Make your position absolutly known and clear to him so he doesn’t think you’re not commited to the relationship or that you’re interested in someone else etc… You need to make it clear to him that you’re ready to make steps necessary to have a closer relationship where this can’t happen again. If you’re willing to accept your lumps he’ll be a lot more willing to accept his but you need to make it clear that you’re in this together and that you’re commited to the relationship. Right now he feels very isolated and he needs to understand that this is not the case. If in fact it is not the case. If you can’t talk to each other then you’re going to need a forum or a councelor or a religious leader to act as a mediator. Preferably someone neither of you know. Wish you the best of luck!



    This is a really HARD issue to admit to (you are courageous) and to give advice on when everyone’s viewpoints and experience are very different. But I’ve spoken to a lot of women who have had this happen to them and there are a lot of underlying issues that often are truly the things that have to be addressed first.

    One is-were you attracted to your husband when you met and married? Was there a chemistry between the two of you that was deep and strong, or were you just ‘kind of’ attracted to him. If you were never deeply attracted, then even a little “sliding” on his part might undo anything you considered attractive to start with.

    Another is-is he doing things that make you lose “respect” for him. Does it go beyond his looks to issues you think are important like hygiene, being confident and socially “good looking” or acceptable. Some times it’s an issue of what we LIKE and other times it’s an issue of things that are “expected”. Like I prefer the men in my life clean shaven. If my husband grew a beard or goatie, but kept it neat and taken care of, I might not be head over heels for the idea, but it would be his choice and he would still look like he was “taking care of himself”. If he grew a wild beard and looked “unkempt” I would probably NOT be attracted to him during this phase of his life due to my own personal tastes. So my point here is “Has he put on a few pounds or been too busy to exercise and be healthy or is he sitting on the couch gaining weight and being a slob”? The difference would be someone who is too busy or too tired to work out and a man who would care less and wants to be a pig. I would be more understanding of the first, but I would lose respect for the second.

    Since you mentioned that you were having a discussion about your needs with your husband when this came up, I’m going to assume that one of his needs it more intimacy with you, or that you aren’t as receptive to it as you used to be or that you don’t initiate it anymore or as often as he would like. This discussion has been had in some form or another by every couple that ever lived probably and is entirely normal. A variety of circumstances can affect how much time or effort a couple puts into their love life, kids…work schedules…hormones…illness…etc. And 99.9% of couples are rarely totally satisfied with things at all, or even at the same time. BUT, if you are disengaging with him on an intimate level because he turns you OFF, there is a problem. Maybe you need to explain to him that how he looks NOW is a turn off, but that he USED to turn you on, so that he knows that he once did and he can return to that condition if he wants to. If he was NEVER that attractive to you, then you need to figure out why you married him and if those qualities are enough for you to accept for the rest of your life. Humans experience a chemistry and attraction to propel them to get to know one another and find a mate. That “euphoric infatuation” does NOT last and wears off into something more permanent which is an enduring love and concern for each other. We’re just not made to be able to create and sustain that kind of emotional chemistry forever. It has a purpose but it is not what love is really about.

    So, if he did once attract and excite you, explain that to him and give him some of idea of what you need or want to continue feeling that way. Or examine your feelings to see if you have unrealistic expectations that no one could sustain. I’m sure we all would love a man with rock hard abs and a full head of hair but that’s NOT what most of us end up with. And on my part, I’ve had six kids and things are moving SOUTH in a hurry although I’m fit and do what I can to stay healthy. No one is perfect, and even if you married someone who LOOKED perfect…he might not ACT perfectly.

    If you feel like you “settled” when you married him, then you have bigger issues that counseling for yourself AND as a couple might be helpful with. You have an underlying belief that you deserved better. Or that you HAD to marry this person because…why? Last chance? Only chance? Tired of dating? Didn’t have the courage to tell him no…etc. WHY did you get involved in a marriage with someone you weren’t committted to spending your life with no matter what? You have to take responsibility for the fact that YOU chose to marry this person, even if he asked and you didn’t want to hurt him etc. No one FORCED you to marry this man and you need to take responsibility for that choice, and the subsequent choice to not meet his needs due to his appearance. HE is choosing to let himself go, and/or to be less than he could be of course. HIS actions are not your fault or responsibility. And I don’t expect you to just “desire” him no matter what he looks like. You feel what you feel. But your feelings are affecting your relationship and we CHOOSE how we behave even if we can’t control the way we FEEL.

    I commend you for being able to be honest with your husband. Even if it hurts him, he SHOULD know this. You burying it and letting it affect your marriage would hurt him eventually MORE when he finds out how long you’ve felt that way. I know from personal experience that when I feel something deeply, but consider my feelings “selfish” or “mean” or know that exposing them would hurt another person’s feelings and I keep them to myself or try to “change” or “ignore” them, it ALWAYS hurts me more, and that person more in the long run. My anger, resentment, or emotional detachment to “protect” someone else ALWAYS backfires and ends up making MORE of a mess than it might have initially. Be true to yourself, but be true to a person who has integrity, is forgiving and accepting, and who has a rational and healthy reason for feeling the way she does.

    I wish you all the best too…living a lie is the most painful and detrimental thing you can do to yourself, your children, AND your spouse.



    Thank YOU ALL for your wonderful replies to me.
    I do appreciate it.

    Now I have a confession to make, that is probably going to make you all very angry with me.

    I’m NOT A NICEGIRL! I am not a woman who told her husband she was not attracted to him. Rather, I AM A MAN WHO TOLD HIS WIFE HE WAS NOT ATTRACTED TO HER!

    Forgive me for deceiving you. Why did I lie to you? I wanted to see if I would be judges are harshly if I were a woman telling her husband she was not attracted to him as I always was as a man telling his wife he is not attracted to her. And believe you me, I have been judges harsly for talking about this before.

    But it’s the truth sometimes, and I FEEL VERY GUILTY ABOUT IT!

    I have more to say and I hope to say it later.

    My wife is attractive and VERY SMART! I know I have more than my s hare of flaws. I think I LOOK BAD HALF THE TIME. But we both do not appear to be homely people!

    ****, you want to know what bothers me? I can’t get into it now. But I am not atttracted sometimes. Other times I AM.

    I will get more into it. The last poster really hit the nail on the head with some of my issues.

    Forgive me.



    Dear NiceGuy,

    We aren’t here to judge you and believe it or not, I DO understand. But I think you have some honesty issues that need to be addressed before you can even begin to heal your marriage if that’s truly what you want to do. Your guilt keeps you from having an honest relationship with your wife, and even when you can be totally annonymous in this forum, you chose to hide even further. You don’t want to be judged, but you want someone to listen to your pain…it’s a vicious cycle.

    Both you AND your wife deserve to be happy. Marriage should not be a relationship based on “Well…it could be worse” or “Well, I married this person and even though I’ve fallen out of love (or really never fell all the way IN) I have to stick it out”. No one deserves to “make the best of it” and no one deserves to be lied to for their entire life. Telling your spouse the truth hurts. It hurts them when you do and you when you don’t. Marriage is not about pain. It’s about love, concern, and a DESIRE to be committed to one person for life. I grew up with divorced parents and VOWED I would NEVER get divorced. I married a man who also had divorced parents and when we got engaged we SWORE to each other that we would NEVER separate because we knew what it was like to go through it as kids. He left 8 years ago claiming he “just wasn’t happy” and “hadn’t been for years” and yet had no reason, no excuse, and later apologized and expressed to both myself and our four children that he’d made a mistake and would take it back in a heartbeat. Too late, we were both already re-married to other people.

    It was the most incredibly painful experience of my life. Something that took a LONG time to get over, and I STILL hurt from it occasionally. But I have learned that if he was such an unhappy person, and HE has issues he refuses to get help for, that I’m better off without him and I’m now GLAD he didn’t “stick it out” and pretend to love me and cherish our marriage for decades. What a WASTE of my life to believe in a lie.

    Divorce is a horrible thing. It’s not something I recommend lightly or even LIKE to admit that now I can SEE where it can be a good thing. But my children and I are SO much better off, they are tough kids that I have taught to be true to themselves, to NOT allow someone else to rule their lives and that THEY are responsible for their OWN choices and the outcomes of their own lives, regardless of what someone else might do to them. And the worst thing in the entire world that I can think of is one of my children married to someone they don’t love, don’t respect, or don’t want to be with. They deserve to be happy. They deserve to be loved and cherished and so does everyone else in the world. Sometimes two people CAN work things out and CAN heal a marriage, and SHOULD do both of those things. But sometimes, we make choices without enough knowledge, or experience, or using flawed thinking or patterns taught to us as we grew up. And I would never encourage someone who made a mistake to draw that mistake out for years and years simply because they “committed” to someone.

    I wish you all the best. I hope you find some help and some answers. I HIGHLY recommend therapy! Not because you are crazy, or messed up or even a bad person. But because you need to understand YOU more fully. You need someone to help you walk through your life and your choices and HELP you find a more healthy platform to view things from. And your wife deserves to either stay married to a healthier more understanding man, or be freed to find the love and support that she deserves and thought she had with you. I heard it said once that “Children would rather come FROM a broken home, than live IN one”. I think it’s true for adults too.

    In my honest opinion, it is not finding out you have problems or issues or even admitting that you made a mistake in the first place that is the greatest sorrow…it is doing NOTHING about it now that you know.



    [quote=heritagemom]Dear NiceGuy,
    In my honest opinion, it is not finding out you have problems or issues or even admitting that you made a mistake in the first place that is the greatest sorrow…it is doing NOTHING about it now that you know.[/quote]

    Thank you for your compassionate words.
    I can’t help the way I feel. I’m JUST NOT ATTRACTED TO MY MATE!!
    There are many reaons for this, and I can tell you why I am the way I am.
    There is a reason for this.
    Care to hear?
    Thanks again.




    You can share your reasons if you choose to, but if they are deeply personal, it’s probably a much better idea for you to share them with a qualified and sensitive counselor who might be able to help you.

    One thing that is important is-Is being attracted to your spouse in the way you want to be (and you mentioned that sometimes you are and sometimes you aren’t) so critical to you that if you can’t restore that attraction you will never be happy? Or do you feel love and connection with your spouse despite this and want to continue in the marriage with her? There are a lot of compromises made in any relationship, and sometimes we don’t get everything we want. If it doesn’t really matter to you that there isn’t any “fire” there then you’ll work something out. But if it’s vitally important to you that you feel this attraction to your mate, then your marriage is going to fail if you can’t recapture that feeling or get over the need to have it.

    So at the root of all of this, or anything that you share, is if this continues, do you want to stay married to this person or not? Is your lack of attraction enough to drive you out of the relationship? Is your lack of attraction an excuse to leave? Were you EVER really attracted to her completely in the first place?

    I know how you feel to a greater degree than you know. And while one particular issue in your marriage might be creating distance and unhappiness, sometimes you have to look over the big picture and determine if that one or two bad things, outweighs 10 or 20 GOOD things. Maybe you could be in another relationship with someone you were so attracted to that you simply couldn’t live without them, but they could be cheating on you, ruining your financial situation, or verbally abusive. No one is perfect, and the idea that you’ll find a perfect looking, acting, and loving spouse designed just for you without ANY traits that bother you or affect how you feel is a fantasy.

    And while I agree with you to a certain extent about “I can’t help how I feel” I’d like to toss out there the ancient traditions of cultures where the bride and groom don’t even meet until their wedding day, and yet go on to create a happy and successful relationship and family because they CREATE it. Marriage isn’t about having the hots for each other, it’s about love, committment, and WORK and about learning to be unconditional in all of those areas. If you love your spouse and have a good relationship despite your attraction, you CAN learn to appreciate her, and focus on her good qualities if you choose to.

    Maker of Books
    [URL="http://www.yourlifepreserver.com"]See My Site[/URL]
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    Nice Guy,

    Have you read the book “His Needs, Her Needs”. It talks about how both men and women have very specific needs that must be met in order for you to be happy in a relationship. If they’re not met, then you won’t be satisfied. It sounds to me like some of your needs are not being met and also that some of your wife’s needs are not being met.

    The important thing, which I see coming out in all of the replies on this thread, is that people do fall out of love sometimes. You and your wife have been through a lot together and you owe it to eachother to try to mend the bridge between you. Read books, go to a counselor, do whatever it takes. You won’t regret improving your relationship and doing the WORK involved with falling back in love with each other.




    [quote=Nicegirl]Today I told my husband I was not attracted to him. I said this very calmy after we were discussing hour our needs are not met.

    He was very hurt, and he does not show this side of him. I admit I have a problem being attracted to my husband. He does not take care of himself as I would like. I feel very guilty about feeling this way, but I can’t help it.

    Is this fixable? Did I do wrong? I hope I can work with this, and we can make our marrage work.

    I try to look my best for him. Am I a bad woman for feeling this way and telling him?


    I’m not attracted to my man either… but he doesn’t hit me, he doesn’t verbaly abuse me, he doesn’t do any of the negative things my last husband did and he IS an excellent cook. He has an awesome job that pays what my last husband only got on a tax return. So, my last husband got $4,000.00 a year and my fiance gets that every month. So he’s not sexy looking and but he’s got it everywhere else and i’m over the moon/very happy in my new relationship.
    Now, I need to focus my efforts on getting my ex-husband to give me my children. The jerk is only suppose to have them during the summer months but now he’s determined that I never get to see or hear from them again. He’s always been a controling bas….
    I’m very depressed these days.




    That is something I was trying to get across to Nice Guy. (You’ll have to read back through the history) Being physically “attracted” to your mate isn’t necessary for a happy marriage. Now…by that same standard, being totally grossed out or disgusted by your mate IS something that can kill a marraige and I don’t think ANYONE would suggest that two people stay together if that is the case. But he mentioned his wife is attractive AND smart and suggests that maybe this is HIS issue and not hers. You have seen a MUCH worse relationship and you feel blessed and happy with your fiance’ even if the “fire” of attraction isn’t there. Real LOVE is about shared experience, concern, compassion, and dedicating yourself to someone, NOT about feeling mad desire sweep over you every time they walk by.

    Get yourself a good lawyer Camilla and go after the man. If you have a better financial situation (he sounds broke) a more stable environment, and you are healthy and able to care for your children, the courts will decide to put them with you, as it’s about what is best for them all around. If he is violating the court order and keeping them when he has no right to, have him served with papers and get your kids back. If you have physical custody and he just has visitation, he’s violating that agreement and you can have the kids removed and brought back. He is NOT married to you and he no longer controls ANY part of your life that you do not allow him to. Hopefully the courts will back you up. But if not, I’d get out the divorce decree and drive to his home with a police officer and pick up my kids or make his life HELL until I got them back.

    Good luck!
    [URL="http://www.yourlifepreserver.com"]My Site[/URL] [URL="http://www.yourlifepreserver.blogspot.com"]My Blog[/URL]



    [quote=Nicegirl]Now my husband is giving me the silent treatment.
    Do I allow him this time to sulk? Do I write him a letter?[/quote]

    My response on this is… big mistake… If you think before you speak and deduce, these words are hurtfull I better not say anything and just get over it… then he wouldn’t be sulking right now.
    Say your apologies and give him some time. Do special things for him to help him feel that he’s still loved.
    Good Luck!

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