Inlaws ruining our relationship

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This topic contains 8 replies, has 9 voices, and was last updated by  lm862003 3 years, 1 month ago.

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    I know this may sound a little crazy….and I am seriously beginning to think I am crazy from dealing with these people.

    So let me start off by saying this site has helped me SO much lately. With everything going on I feel like breaking down. I don’t know where to turn to.
    My DH and I have been together for 3 years this December. His parents invited us to live in their home as we started out because I am estranged from my mother and due to her antics while I was growing up, I didn’t have much of a relationship with my father either.
    His parents were so kind to allow me to move into their home and were also very generous. We got along great and everything was peachy.
    Before we had moved in my DH did warn me about his father. He is known to have a temper and a lot of other issues (from his own father & past). He had told me to lay low and in the case he confronted me about anything that I should just *take it* or ignore it. (Not let it hurt my feelings). DH said this is how he managed to live with him growing up.

    About 9 months into our living with his parents his dad started trying to pick fights with me. He would criticize me if I did not pick the dishes up from the table fast enough, If I cut the cheese wrong (no…like literally..cutting cheese…) during dinner, and If DH husband and I weren’t at the table at 6:30 pm every night.
    These were just the little things. I took it and tried to let things slide.
    At this point we were finally able to move out and did right away. DH and I would argue more and more because of the antics his dad would pull. (Threatening DH if he didn’t come for Sunday dinners or come for visits, etc). I wanted DH to stand up for himself because we weren’t living there any longer and I could see how distressed DH was after his dad would talk to him.

    Fast forward to May of this year and we had to move out of our apartment suddenly due to our apartment being mould infested (which I am highly allergic). I was so sick and due to a loss of job we had to return to DH’s parents house.
    Everything was fine at first, but this is when the real trouble began…..
    DH and his father started to argue a lot more. FIL HAS TO BE in charge of everything (Serious control issues) and I came to realize he despised the fact that DH and I were making our own plans and not telling him things….(own plans such as new jobs, new places to live, budgets).
    I have also seen FIL MANY times scream at his own wife to the point she has anxiety and dropping things and burns herself in the kitchen.

    So DH got a new job and we decided to start going out to look at new places to live. We found a beautiful place and decided we might put an offer in on it. We told DH’s parents and his mom was excited, but his father absolutely flipped!! He started screaming at DH about how he cannot afford such a place, and why doesn’t he just live at his house (mind you, he says that, but then at least once a day he complains he wants his own space and wants us out…)
    So DH was really stressed out and I felt really terrible for him. Then, the next night, FIL acts all strange towards me and sends DH a txt message (so I won’t see, but DUH of course DH shows me) that says…”I want to have a chat with you…JUST you and me”.
    okay, thats okay, I understand, he wants to speak to his own son.
    So he takes DH out and comes back 2 hours later and all of a sudden DH husband tells me we are NOT getting the apartment and he wants to stay at his parents house longer. So he leaves the room and his Father looks at me and says in a snide tone, “Guess you’re not getting that place you wanted”. and LAUGHED!
    I almost punched him…

    So DH and I go out for a walk with the dog and he starts telling me that it turns out his dad pretty much told him that if we go out and get a place he doesn’t approve of then he won’t support us in the future if we ever need it. (WOW TALK ABOUT CONTROLLING)!

    I was so on edge. I couldn’t believe his dad was saying this crazy stuff.
    So to find out, his father also expressed *concern* that I do not contribute to the relationship enough, and he thinks I want a free ride off my DH. When I asked my DH is he stood up for me, he didn’t answer….I was so crushed.
    I am not able to get a job because I am not a legal resident as of yet, so I do side jobs for Cash. Literally everything I make goes to us as a couple and I have no savings….
    I have plans of getting an actual job once I am a resident though, it will be wonderful to have a steady income on my side!
    So after all of that, DH’s father seems happy as a clam.
    When we get back to the house I go off to do my own thing and I hear FIL talking (doesn’t know I am listening) and telling DH that he should make his own choices without me as we are still very young and I shouldn’t have as much say in our choices as I do not contribute as much.
    I then decided to tell DH that I think maybe I should go visit my family for a while to let things clear up at his house. (At this point, I feel like the plague at his home). DH and I decided that we have been arguing too much and a little time apart might do us some good. I tried to explain to him that his parents being so involved in our relationship is why I get so upset, but he said he felt too much pressure from all of us! Dh said he needed some time alone to think and relax (yea…Don’t know how that’s going to happen when he has his parents breathing down his neck).
    DH agrees, but then of course goes and tells his parents right away and his dad started RUSHING me to book the flight. He even went as far as to book the **** thing himself for the following morning!
    That SOB has the nerve to try and sabotage my relationship! Now that I am away with family, my DH has barely spoken to me. He hasn’t called me once and I have been trying to reach out to him. I call to tell him that our puppy is okay (I brought him with me, because his Father HATES dogs) and to make sure he is okay. I haven’t heard from him in 2 WEEKS!

    I feel like I may lose him. I have a feeling his Father is feeding him all sorts of nonsense now that I am gone and cannot stand up for myself. FIL has already told all of the family that I am staying with my own family because DH and I are having relationship problems and I have been pressuring DH too much….
    I am the one who told DH I would be willing to stick it out as long as he wanted until he felt comforatable financially to move out!

    Before I left, DH and I had talked about me visiting family for a month or 2, and now when I talked to him this week he sounded more stressed than ever and he said we’ll see about how long I am away. I feel so devastated. He is my whole world! I love him so much and I don’t know how to make him realize his dad is feeding him lies and tearing us apart!

    I need some advice or some opinions on how to make my DH see clearly and how to deal with the FIL. I have read so much on dealing with inlaws…articles…books…etc, but I am unable to get the picture across to DH….
    I am sorry for such a long post, but I do not know where else to turn. I feel like I have no one to talk to and the family that I considered my own has totally cast me out!
    I have tried everything to make peace with DH’s Father, making him dinners, even on his birthday! All he did was belittle me and complain about it….

    **EDIT: I wanted to Add something….It has been bothering me because my DH is too quick to forget that I chose him over my mother!
    2 New Year’s ago, my own mother had a party that DH and I attended. (I am currently estranged from her due to continuous verbal abuse and lies). At the end of the night, after WAY too much to drink (typical for my mother), she decided to verbally attack my DH. He usually would just shluff it off, but she took it too far. My DH stood up for himself and also defended me as well. She screamed at him to get out of her house and he did. My mother insisted I stay with her, but I couldn’t stand that someone (even my own mother) spoke to my DH that way. It was uncalled for (exactly what DH’s father says to me).
    I left with my DH and didn’t speak to my mother for days.
    I stood up for my DH and took his side because we are partners! We chose each other and I wish I could make him see that why can he not do the same for me with his parents?



    well it just between the two of you..they can’t do anything for that, besides you two are already married. maybe you just have to live separate from them..don’t let your in laws ruin your relationship.



    I hear you’re frustration, at least I feel like I can relate to some degree. My gf’s parents seemed like they wanted to have a good relationship with me, and be helpful. At least at first. It turned out to just be a way for them to have control in our relationship. I’m pretty laid back and so was my gf, so we just kind of rolled with their criticism for a while, I tried not to take it too personally. If I was running a few minutes late to pick her up, it was that she wasnt a priority in my life. If I was focusing on my school work since i was working towards my BS, then I put that before my love for her. Our relationship was doomed to fail, they would point to biblical scripture and other little things to say why. It was just one thing after another. Then one day I heard some rumors that got back to me that wasnt funny at all…apparently her folks had spoke to other family members or their friends about some stuff involving me. One of my friends call me and says ‘hey i’m not wanting to tick you off, but i had just heard from you were physically abusive to your gf, what is going on…that doesn’t sound like you’. I found out who said what and I was felt plotted against and they pretty much tried to smear my reputation, which didn’t work. It caused a lot of stress in my life, but I let it get to me. I really started questioning what I could have done to keep things from getting to the point they did and wondered if I contributed towards it. I really just should have set boundaries from the first time I noticed issue. I kind of ended of being a doormat for their opinions and criticisms, but heaven forbid someone say something like that about them, they would flip out. I started reading a book called ‘boundaries’ and ‘emotional blackmail’. Those helped clue me into what was going on and why some people are prone to need and want control in order to feel good about themselves. Sad I learned things too late, but I’m hoping for better in the future. :nods:



    What nationality are you? and your husband? If you dont get out of the inlaws home you will have no marriage. It is obvious that your husband parents are miserable and misery loves company. They cant allow a happy loving couple to exist in their hateful evil world. Fight for you husband if you want him. If that love is worth saving then fight for it… otherwise, let it go. Being apart is NOT the answer. You can get a job almost rigth away. You only need to get your work papers which are easy if you are married to an US citizen. Green cards take time, but you can work. Get a job and help save your marriage. Love you husband and show him your love is real, and unconditional, and that their love,,, is CONDITIONAL….



    I know how you feel and feel your pain. I wished that we could get our signifigant others to stand up to these people that are toxic to them, and evervone that truly cares about them. Sadly as far as I can tell there is not much we can do about it.



    I am writing this to ask your advice what do I do to save my marriage. When my Husband and I became a couple I never would have thought it would be such a struggle to have a happy marriage. We love each other very much, have a lot things in common… but the thing is I had a lot of bad experiences with my husband’s mother, it reach to a point that I can’t stand her anymore. My husband always takes her side no matter what, his theory is she’s the mother, the elder one. I tried many times to make a better relationship with my MIL before but that did not work. She is so controlling, manipulative and disruptive; She hates me, call me “the woman my husband lives with”; has problems with everything I do; she does not stop talking about people – all her daughter in laws and their families, keeps talking their faults and how lucky they are to have her sons as a part of their lives. She always has something bigger and better, feels that anyone her son married or dated would not be good enough. She is suffering from irrational feelings of “losing her son” to another woman.
    Basically, my MIL doesn’t respect me or my husband. She doesn’t respect our marriage or the boundaries that were set. These boundaries were not set for just her, I would be upset too if anyone crossed the line like she had. She told me that I can’t reply the email that sent to me by her another daughter in law because she has problem with her, and that girl can’t not be in our house because she doesn’t want her to be, but on other hand, she invited my brother in law to our house for a few days without asking me or my husband while she was here. She sent back the birthday gift we send to her to show her madness towards to me; She rearranged my kitchen, cabinets and closet the way she likes to “help” my husband out while I was in China, she also threw away most of my Chinese food along with some very valuable Chinese traditional medicine while she was “helping”; She booked air ticket for my husband to have a family vacation with her for a week in Aug without me knowing…she is constantly violating our privacy and boundaries and does not respect us period!
    It’s so frustrating and I want to see her as little as possible because I am tired of her little stabs, uncomfortable comments, attitude, cold shoulders, mood swings, poor me, negative behavior, etc,. I’m mad that she refuses to say sorry, she has never once admitted to doing anything wrong. She breaks downs and uses tears as weapons every time my husband tries to talk to her. She always comes out looking like the sweet innocent mother. My husband can never question her about anything because she somehow magically turns it around and makes me looks like the bad one. My husband doesn’t get it and thinks I should just forgive and forget and I’m like I’ve tried that many times I am no longer letting my guard down. The family has created her to be this way and they tolerate it, she’s the queen of this family, she wants to control everybody’s life in this family. It still somewhat bothers me that She has managed the whole family against me and of course she plays the victim role and cries to everybody that I am trying to avoid her and she’s not welcomed to her son’s house because of me…
    It is quite nerve racking, knowing that will be some sort of drama, cause there always is and it will be directed towards me. It drives me crazy knowing that my MIL has manipulated my husband to the point that even though she is not physically present, somehow she still manages to exert her negativity. She has constantly been negative, critical, and caustic ever since I met her. While I feel sorry for her for being such a miserable person (happy, adjusted persons don’t treat others the way she does), she has caused much pain, anger, and unhappiness over the years in our marriage, her other sons marriage/relationships. She makes her own life miserable by how she acts who then in turn makes others feel terrible!
    It’s ruining our marriage because she just won’t stop. I really feel bad for my husband to be in this situation. That his mother refuses to grow up and stop playing manipulating games with everyone. She needs is to find a few friends, people she can talk to or get a hobby or something to do and stop tearing her family apart. My husband is a person with many dreams and desires and very little patient, the type of guy who wants everything to be OK. The current situation really tears him apart, it pains me to see him like this because that, it also pains me that he does not know what to do with his mother so he always comes to me, he just keep pushing me to accept the way of his mother is, keep pushing me to accept whatever she does, something like booking air ticket for him to go vacation with her… I am just a woman her son lives with…
    I love my husband very much, I can’t think a life without him, but I can’t stay in a life that constantly under his mother’s control either… It’s been more than 3 years, we’ve been fighting for this typical mother in law issue and it refreshes my anger all over again every time we flight. I don’t know how to deal with my MIL anymore after what she has put my husband and me though. It seems to me that my husband isn’t even aware of my resentment towards to his mother every time we flight.
    I don’t know what to do. I was thinking about marriage consulter but my husband is a very private person, I am not sure that he would like to open up to a stranger about his personal matter or not. We’ve been fighting over and over for the same issue for years, I feel like I can’t breathe in my own house, my husband’s mother is always here no matter she’s physically here or not…


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    Welcome to the board, Ardensmith!

    You have a lot on your plate with DH’s mother.
    Would seem the best course of action would be for marriage counseling for you and DH.
    His mother seems to be very manipulative and wanting to control family and friends.
    She must be a very unhappy lady.

    Wishing you all the best!



    [QUOTE=lutzschwartz]well it just between the two of you..they can’t do anything for that, besides you two are already married. maybe you just have to live separate from them..don’t let your in laws ruin your relationship.[/QUOTE]

    I agree with you!



    This one is pretty straightforward – MOVE OUT AND DON’T LOOK BACK! Your inlaws should not determine your destiny – you and your husband should! As far as them not supporting you in the future and so forth… there will be no “future” if you do not move out and regain your sanity and save your marriage!

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