inpainforthem's comments

Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry

10 Nov 2009 10:11 AM

Beth, their ages are 18, 15, 13 - boy, boy, girl in that order. Thank you for your response.

Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother - Blog Entry

05 Nov 2009 01:05 PM

I am the step Mother of 3 beautiful children. When I fell in love with their Father I assumed that the extreme behaviors of his ex-wife were because she was angry about the divorce.

As our relationship grew it became obvious that her anger, wrath, and vindictiveness were unreasonable on every level.

I found that this woman had no boundaries - homes were entered, calls made to the workplace, family etc. Accusations of dating, cheating, stealing or whatever she could to discredit him were shared with everyone - including the children. She never held back her wrath - regardless of whether the children were around or not - She would scream obscenities, punch him and make ugly scenes. She made it her primary job to ensure that the children knew exactly why they were to hate their Father... all the typical spurned woman tricks. Only it doesn't abate, this has been going on for years.

As soon as she could associate a name with me I became the reason for the end of her marriage. Fabulous stories were created about years of cheating debauchery etc. The kids were told to hate me and why, and general hostility in all ways from this woman toward me. She took great liberty with time-lines and was able to spin a fabulous story that painted her a very sad victim. The lies were extreme.

She verbally attacked me in public - at which point I calmly told her "I don't do public scenes you need to leave." - How did she handle calmly being told to leave? She went home and told her children what she'd done, that I'd deserved it, and that she'd made me cry - (hardly)

The examples of her behavior were so far off of anything I could understand that I started looking for other answers. I mean, no one, that is sane would do these things. The dillusions, the outright lies, the subtle manipulation, the extreme rages, she really has no boundaries. I sought counseling, as I wasn't sure if I could enter a marriage with this as a part of it. I spoke with two counselors, both who directed me toward NPD, but along with some other issues that did not seem to fit. I started reading - and many of her behaviors fit this condition, it became indisputable.

But this blog is not about me. Once I understood this thing that is narcassissm - and that it wasn't part of her nature to take accountability for a failed marriage, or frankly anything else - that it had to be someone elses fault..., I was better able to cope with her. I was the obvious target of her wrath because it let her off the hook for the demise of her marriage. I stopped caring what she thought of me. Giving this any level of emotional energy would be a waste of time. The kids see how we live - very straight arrows, no affairs, no flirting, they observe none of the things she has proclaimed I/we are. They experience a mostly calm, loving, caring, nurturing - NO DRAMA household. So in the end they can decide for themselves what is truth and what is not.

However, I have seen a larger problem. The abuse I see doled out from this woman to her children is the hardest thing I have ever had to watch. I want so much to take these children away - On my worst parenting day I am leagues better. I am now seeking to understand how best to provide these children with the tools they will need to deal with their Mother. That is why I sought out this internet site.

Her emotional extortion is so skillfully doled out that it is almost artful. They dare not speak well of their Father, me or anything in this household; if they should be that brave, well then the Wrath of MOTHER would descend on them like nothing believable. She is formidable.

However, not all of her behaviors fit within the narcissistic categories; at least not that I've read about. For instance she will take things from the kids and hide them. Sometimes for weeks, sometimes forever. Eventually they will either find it in a location they would never have put it. Or she will find it and accuse them of being irresponsible. Drivers licenses, debit cards, video games, etc.

Yet, another example of her behaviors that might not be narcissistic, but are just as harmful - making up illnesses, conditions or issues for the children. Symptoms are made up or blown out of proportion, then only a specialist will do, tall tales are created around the illness to validate its existence. Many times the stories are supported by something she herself supposedly went through as a child. example (I was diagnosed incorrectly with 'whatever' as a child and suffered unduly through childhood, child 1,2 or 3 has the same thing.) It appears that she does this to gain exposure and be seen as an involved parent. Any appointment that is made by the Mother is made during the school day so that she can be seen withdrawing them from school - evidently there is nothing in it for her, if she were to make appt's. for after school or during breaks. No one will notice.

I got to observe firsthand a tiny piece of what they must endure in her home, and what led me to look into this condition to see what NPD's are capable of toward their children.

Bear with me as I relate a story so trivial yet so profound to those involved.

My stepdaughter and her Father were having lunch. The daughter wanted a special kind of soup that she enjoys that her Mother makes. The Father asks the daughter - "Why don't you get the recipe from your Mom, then you can have the good stuff here anytime you want it."... this inadvertently puts the daughter in a heck of a dilemma. So she replies with "No, that was a recipe handed down from her Mom to her - she wouldn't want me to have it." The Father stumbles in with a "Well that doesn't make sense - since you are the daughter it is right that it be handed down to you as traditional.".... The daughter is now deeper in potential trouble.. what to do.. "Well Dad, it has a secret ingredient and I don't think Mom would want to give it out."... At this point the Father is starting to get it and lets the conversation fade. All goes back to normal. The Father in an e-mail to the Mother comments on the conversation, thinking it is a good illustration of how the kids are perceiving tensions between the two households...

Unwittingly - this was the ultimate mistake, highlighting to the Mother how her animosity and hate-fullness have directly impacted her own daughter. Now she has to deflect and the only person to do that to is her own daughter. The daughter takes the call from her Mother and comes back to help me make dinner as a very quiet sullen child. As soon as her Father gets home from work she comes in and unleashes on him.

From my perspective it was a horrific thing to watch. This little girl simply spew hate-fullness onto her Father - it was almost as if she was channeling her Mother. She was utterly miserable with how her words had been used to hurt her. Her own Mother put such a burden on her that she had to get rid of it. The Father was stunned and simply apologized for saying anything to her Mother - "I will never put you in this position again!" The daughter leaves the room pronouncing that the conversation is over.

This story is an illustration of why I am posting. I feel absolutely useless in this role. How can I protect these children.