intothelight's comments

Dealing with a Narcissistic Family Member - Blog Entry

29 Aug 2008 04:20 AM

Hello.

I'm nearly 30 years old, and was diagnosed as being firmly in the aspergers window after recognising myself in the literature in my mid 20's and pressing to speak to a specialist. My mother was eventually, but angrily, convinced to come along to speak with that specialist; she feared that any professional questioning her on my development might reflect badly on her and would only come along after I assured her that this was not what it was about and that AS was considered to be something present from birth. She then became more enthusiastic; perhaps she felt it would absolve her of responsibility and her suspicions about my inherent badness would be confirmed :)

My father from what I can see is a raging narcissist. My mum shows some strong traits, but came from a background of total deprivation in her early days (children's home for first five years), has a capacity for reflection, and she is not vicious.

Really, I'm not here to talk about me except as a lead-up to my present concern. My father, who confused me as a youngster by seemingly 'loving' me but acting in a way that would have destroyed me ad I not thought and fought my way out of the darkness, has a little boy who is now seven. My father was nearly 60 at the time of his birth and was diagnosed with cancer that same day. The mother had met my father when she was 20 and he was a small time criminal in his fifties, and was impressed by his BS.

From the word 'go' with this little boy I foresaw problems. I have (had?) a close bond with him that his mother viewed as threatening. I was called to babysit for them on new year's eve from my early 20's (and did so willingly), to relieve her when she was under stress, to collect him from school when neither of them were available (often at the very last minute), to babysit while they went to the school to tell them that they were mistaken and that there was NO PROBLEM with their treasured child (the school had offered extra support from the early days and this was responded to with anger, a great shame as my own little girl attends that school now and they have great support systems that the boy, I'll call him D, has been denied), frequently called upon to take D at no notice because she is late and my father needs to go to the pub to do his 'important business'. I have done his gracefully. I love the boy. I bonded with him, inevitably, having been handed him from such an early age. Actually I have no problem with him in my care. I understand instinctively that overstimulation can lead to him becoming distressed, keep a very peaceful household, do everything possible to make sure he knows he is loved and valued here, get him deeply involved in such tasks as caring for the fish I keep or making artwork (a new one for every season :), and set very firm boundaries which he gratefully accepts.

D's mum has a very strong resentment for me. I was 16 when she got together with my father, and boh of them were giving me very strong chemicals (MDMA, amphetamines, cannabis, alchohol, LSD, and eventually walking away and leaving me in the company of heroin users). I knew no different and went along with it, and inevitably it all went horribly wrong. In my darkest hours I was told by them that my problems were due to my inherent weakness and instability, and that only crazy people had problems coping with such a strong chemical cocktail. At 17 someone suggested to me that perhaps it was not me whom was crazy, and the slow process of healing myself, by that stage a broken and terrified adolescent, began. I have pulled myself out of it. I acquired HIV in the horrendous haze of chemicals and abuse of my teens, self-esteem destroyed by being passed about like 'hospitality' among my father's sexually violent drug-dealing buddies. Despite everything, I am reasonably balanced and reflective in my own relationships, having initially sought counselling when my daughter was a baby as I feared I might damage her unintentionally as my parents had damaged me.

My great fear now is for D. I believe I am seen as a threat as I cannot be broken, and have actually been told by his mum "I do not consider you to be an equal". Anything that threatens her notions of superiority makes her afraid. The other night i went to visit with my nearly five year old; my father is hospitalised yet again. Triggered by an anger reaction bordering on violence by his mum, D began acting up. He wants the computer. He's screaming "F'ING IDIOT" "SHUT UP F'ING [CENSORED]" "GIVE ME THE F'ING PASSWORD" at his mum, who responds first by teasing him laughingly about his anger and, creepily, by trying to kiss and cuddle him. He locks her in the bathroom refusing to let her out unless he gets the password. She threatens to "KICK THE F'ING DOOR OFF IT's HINGES". Horrified, and with my still gentle and naive girl present, I say no need for that and take his wrists firmly but gently to unlock the door. He responds by hitting me and his mother, and taking a swipe at my daughter, who adores him. His mother's manner at this stage is flirtatious and gleeful.

I should have left there and then, but she's preparing food. My girl is sitting up on a high stool and he pulls it over. She could have been badly hurt, physically and emotionally, but I was in time to grab her. His mother responds by giving him an ice cream.

The screaming and swearing continues as she tries to cuddle him; 'Darling".

At one point I manage to sit beside the little guy; it's hardly his fault, he knows no other way; and I say quietly and calmly, "D, what are you doing? You hit me. You tried to hurt H (my girl). That's not okay. Why are you behaving like this?" I get the first eye contact since the frenzy began and he says "I don't know", almost tearful.

At that point the mother comes in and seeing a possible threat to her narcissistic loop with the young one says "D, come here, I want to speak to you in private". My little girl (who he's encouraged to feel superior to) is in tha hall and is told "Go away, I want to speak to D alone." When she looks confused this is repeated. At that point I begin to gather our things to leave and overhear her telling him he will be allowed on the computer as soon as we leave (! horrendous programming going on!) while cuddling him and kissing him. His campaign had been successful and we were the only obstacles to his happiness, and this after being told he would have no computer time for kicking her, shouting and swearing and pulling her hair while she was driving.

Sigh. At the end of all this I am clear that to preserve myself and my daughter we will simply not be able to see them together. This means she will probably not allow me to see the lad (despite my investment every time I'm needed) at all. I am no longer prepared to keep my mouth shut and feed the self-image she wishes to project through fear that she will not allow me to talk to D or will get 'angry' with me. My question is what can I do? I have been programmed myself to keep quiet about abuse, and as a child and adolescent was ridiculed and attacked for suggesting that I was suffering and might need to talk to someone. Do I just walk away and burn all bridges? Can I speak to the school or social services? I may end being ridiculed yet again if officials are impressed by their narcissistic BS personas. D's face at 7 cracks with madness frustration, helplessness, anger and fear that I did not experience myself until my psyche had endure the psychological equivalent of Hurricane Katrina by my late teens. I fear he may never escape if they succeed in isolating him from every voice of sanity, and anyone who does not support their delusions of grandeur and superiority is fast banished.

What do I do? I deal with my AS, HIV, and all the rest with good grace, study at university and do counselling work for other HIV+ people, have my finances sorted for the moment and try to have a full and loving life. I have come through hell and lived to tell the tale. I see what's happening with my young half brother, but I cannot carry the weight of the world on my shoulders along with everything.