irishdaddysgirl's comments

The experience of losing a parent - Blog Entry

10 Feb 2009 07:39 AM

I lost my Dad 5 days ago to a stroke in his brain stem. He was 83 years old. Nine years ago he suffered a hemorragic stroke that most people would have never survived. He was thriving with his recovery, but shortly after his admission to a rehab facility he suffered an ischemic stroke within 6 weeks of his initial stroke. He had been wheel chair bound and then finally bed ridden for the last 6 months of his life. My siblings and I knew that this day would come, and we are all shocked how hard this has been on us. We are all having symptoms of anxiety with bouts of uncontrollable crying. We honestly though we had prepared ourselves for the loss of our father. The brain stem stroke left my father in a PVS connected to a respirator. His neurologist told our family that there was nothing more that we could do for him except to keep him comfortable and the longer we waited to remove his respirator the longer his brain would recover and possibly leave him in a PVS for an extended period of time. It was the most difficult decision that we have ever made. He was surrounded by his children when he died, but I have to tell you, it was the most horrible thing I have ever witnessed. He actually stopped breathing for several minutes and then returned to a normal respiration and blood pressure. His nurse came in and told us to tell him that he could go home. She felt he was hanging on for us. Once we told him we loved him and that it was OK for him to go, he was gone within a minute or two. My Dad and I have always had such a great relationship. I am so torn by the way he went. Part of me is so glad to have been there, and I'm sure I would have regretted not being there had I chose not to be there. But...there is another part of me that regrets being there, because it was just horrible. I know not everyone has the opportunity to be with their parent when they die, and for that I am thankful. I am just wondering how long this horribly raw feeling will last. I can not function properly. I have five children with very busy schedules and the last thing I want to do is sit at their basketball practice or prepare dinner. My husband was also with my siblings and myself at the hospital and he has been wonderful, but nothing is lessening this feeling of despair. I know that the world does not stop for your grief, but I am just wondering when the sun will shine again. I feel helpless and lost. Thank you for listening to me ramble, and for providing an outlet to talk about losing a parent.