ironside's comments

The experience of losing a parent - Blog Entry

28 Dec 2008 02:21 PM

I am 28 and my mom died Nov. 23 2008 at the age of 57 after battling a diagnosis of stage 4 breast cancer for 14 months. I am an only child and my dad has been pretty much non-exixtent in my life since I was 4. I don't want him in my life either because he abused me for the first for years of my life. so basically I am an orphan. my brother died when I was 2 at four days old. That was my first real experience with death. even though I was so young and he never lived long enough for us to have a relationship it still hurts and I will always wonder how he would have turned out. my mom was my best friend and played a dual role of both parents. she was also like a sister. she was everything to me and now I am so lost without her. She was the only consistent stability my entire life. she was always there for me when I needed her and understood me like no one ever could. the pain is unbearable and I find myself not really caring about myself, and I even somewhat feel I have lost myself in this sea of anxiety, depression, anger, and confusion. I was living in Chicago when she was diagnosed and dropped everything and moved back home to Michigan to be with her in April 2008. I was really optimistic the entire time until August when they said the cancer had spread to her brain. after that things got really bad and she finally had to go into Hospice care because I could not take care of her on my own anymore. she spent a month and a half in Hospice and died less than a minute before I walked into her room on her only sister's birthday. Her mother also died this year in February. Along with that one of my really close friends, who was helping take care of my mom before I was able to move home, died a year ago today. I know animals are on another level, but sometimes they can be family members too. after my mom died I had to put our dog to sleep and one of our cats. so I am dealing with many losses all together in a very short period of time. my mom's death hurts the worst and I know I will never be over it. with it still so fresh I feel like I will never be able to move on. Christmas was very difficult! I cry all the time. I've learned from these losses that it doesn't matter if it happens suddenly like with my friend, if it happens naturally to an older family member like my grandma, or if it happens expectledly slowly over time. Death hurts the ones left behind no matter what the circumstances. Right now I feel like it is getting harder for me to function since my mom died, and I'm not really sure I had time to process my grandma and my friend's deaths because I was so wrapped up in making sure my mom was cared for. I thought it was supposed to get easier. Is this just a phase that it has to get harder before it gets better again? my attitude is so negative and I feel like it's going to affect my relationship with my boyfriend even though he is super amazing and understanding. I'm scared I'm going to push him away because of my fear of losing everyone that I become close with. I plan to seek counseling soon but I keep putting it off. I hardly call my friends right now becasue I am so depressed and I just don't know what to say. I also feel like people are better off without me around because from my perspective I am a mess and who would want to be around me? maybe I am overreacting because I can't see myself through other people's eyes? Everyone has been really supportive around me and nobody has said I "should be over it by now". I know I need to reach out for help more but all this just makes me that much more reclusive. It's weird how sometimes I can say to myself my mom is gone and never coming back and it settles fine, but other times it still shocks me. This process is horrible but I keep tryin to tell myself everything happens for a reason and it will be ok and things will work out. it's so hard to keep that mindset all the time though. I know my mom would want me to be happy but it's just so hard right now.